is quite depressing, really
it never stops
it's a linear pathway

i used to be able to count the years
that i have been alive
all on one hand
then two
and now i no longer have enough.

i see how old i will be
in the years in the future
and i am fearful of aging
i don't want to grow old
i want to stay young

getting older
means the ones i love
are aging as well.
and being organic organisms
we are not eternal
and we cannot live forever.
we must die and disappear from the earth
to make way for future generations
so that they may have a chance to live.

but i am still selfish
if there is an after life
i wish to remain here on earth
even as a ghost
so that i may be part of this world
despite no physical attachments.

but that sentiment too
is wishful thinking
and even if it were to be my destiny
it would be filled with sorrow
longing and resentment
of watching the young and healthy
the old and wise, alive
knowing that i can never truly be a part
when i am long dead.

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