i am a little disappointed;

i am a little disappointed
in you, you, and you.

not you, though
you're okay.

but for the rest of you
tsk tsk tsk
and a sigh.

i wonder sometimes
if being nice
is a weakness.
because honestly
it seems to backfire on me
constantly.

what is it that i have done wrong?
is there something i need
to change?
change is good
for the most part.

is that what you all want?

breaking point;

i just want to break down and cry
sometimes
just to let it out
and release myself.

i am strong and weak
all at the same time
and it puts me at the edge
of my seat
waiting for the ride
to stop.

reality versus fantasy
hard to see between the lines
to differentiate the worlds
when they are so connected
in my mind.

crazy, maybe that is what i am
the old lady with twenty cats
living a life that never existed
except only in her mind.

will there be a breaking point
when i forget myself
and lose sight of everything?

losing grip;

psychiatric clinical rotations
helping people who cannot help themselves
providing care
providing hope
providing everything.

but is it they who need saving
or is it me
do i need to be a part of their
assembly
because i feel like i am drowning
i cannot break free.

losing grip, losing, losing
can i stand, can i win
completely.

one-eighty;

one-eighty
upside down
flipped and twisted
suffocating underneath.

misled and confused
broken and bruised
where is the light
where is it?

me, you, theirs
his and hers.
really who's fault
is it?

beautiful place;

what are you waiting for
let's go, go, go
find some adventures
and get lost
in a beautiful place.

nursing diagnosis;

blah blah blah
related to
blah blah blah
as manifested by
blah blah blah.

nursing diagnosis
thou art my enemy.

seventeen years;

seventeen years
almost twenty
where are you
how is your life
not that i honestly care.

as for myself
i'm doing good, thanks
without your help
perfectly.

said the moon;

dry your eyes, said the moon
there's no time to cry.

chin up, said the moon
you've gotta face your fears.

wake up, said the moon
it's time to live again.

life in pen or pencil;

i need a skilled architect
to draw up a blueprint
and redesign my future.

we say we write our lives in pencil
so that we can rewrite and erase
the wrongs and mistakes
that we have done.

but is that true?
because i cannot see it.

that one mistake we make
inked in pen
is hard to remedy
and return to what once was
again.

i am in need of a skilled architect
to help guide my way
and keep me from making
the same mistakes again.

will this not ever end;

will this not ever end, she asks
twiddling her thumbs
and biting her lips
just to pass the time.

she craves for that beautiful sunshine
to beat down on her body
if only just to find out
that she's alive and healthy.

but again and again she'll ask
will this not ever end
to an empty audience
that does not have the answer.

screaming inside;

i'll put a brave front out to the world
so they will never assume
they will never find out
that i am screaming so desperately
inside.

there's only happiness and optimism
around every corner of my eyes
never knowing what's going on
or if i am screaming so desperately
inside.

they ask "how have you been?"
i respond "great, very great."
and we'll keep up our small talk
even though i am screaming
so desperately
inside.

another day will pass
another week will soar
and everyday i keep staring ahead
not giving anyone a chance
to see that i am screaming
so desperately
inside.

hello, hello they said;

hello, hello she said
have you come to stay?
will you be here always
a friend of mine with whom to play?

hello, hello he said
of course i will be here to play
no adventures can you embark
without me to guide the way.

little girls and little boys
climbing across the universe
to magical lands and unknown sights
with royalty they will converse.

and at night when fast asleep
their dreams will continue to soar
learning all that they can grasp
always with a want to know more.

and then i went poof;

i picked up a cat
her fur it did
flutter, flutter, flutter
gently on my shirt.
and then i went poof.

oh my goodness;

oh my goodness
can i hardly dare to believe
that an entire month has almost passed
before i even had the chance to breathe.

tick tock tick tock
time is always ever moving
what has happened each and every day
i do not know, there is no telling.

one year, two years, three years
how fast will they go by?
slowly so i can cherish the time
or gone within the blink of an eye?

i will bottle up my love;

i will bottle up my love
and cast it out into the sea
hoping that it will reach you
the message written from me.

across the many miles
maybe it will reach you
tomorrow, next week, next year
so the future can start anew.

what will be your response
when you see what is sent
will you smile fondly
or cast away and repent?

and after all is said and done
what is it that will remain?
will we cherish all that once was
or hide it forever in shame?

not enough time;

sometimes i just want to curl up
and die
or sleep for eternity
which is essentially the same concept.

i am tired of many things
everything
and i just want it to stop
permanently.

is it too much to ask
for a halt in time
to give me enough hours
to complete what i need to complete.

i wish harry potter and his world were real;
i could use a time-turner right about now.
there it goes
that feeling again
of disconnection.

what gives.

the stress;

the stress
is back again.
a never-ending
vicious cycle.
can't i have a time-out
to catch my breath?

so young and beautiful;

so young and beautiful
with the world at her feet
and many things to see.
the future was bright
with many undiscovered paths
that she was sure to light up
brilliantly.

so young and beautiful
but in an instant
her future became a blank slate
void of everything
that would never be.

so young and beautiful
with a life cut too short
a flame that went out
before her time.

so young and beautiful
a lesson to be learned
that each day should be treasured
lest it becomes the last.

i'm counting the days;

i'm counting the days
watching them pass
at unbelievable speed.
amazing how it all goes
leaving but a speck
in the dust.

sweet little life;

sweet little life
so much before you
a past which you have never known
with only the present
to guide you.

some day you will know the stories
the family history
although not pretty
is still yours to claim.

sweet little life
keep your head above water
fixate your gaze on the horizon
where your dreams will take flight.

but for now
sleep in blissful darkness
until your eyes open to the world.

sleep for now
for everything has only just begun.

one two ready go;

one two ready go
it starts all over again
starting today
and many days more.

almost there;

almost there
can you see it?
right beyond the horizon
it is there
waiting.
let's push forward
and reach that light.

stop;

STOP!
catch your breath
and relive the moment.

STOP!
take a look around you
and see the beauty
always overlooked.

STOP!
don't question the consequences
but be spontaneous for once
and live out your dreams.

giggles;

hee hee hee
a bottle of giggles
bursting at the brim
with plans to ricochet the cork
on unsuspecting walls and windows.

laughter, smiles, and happiness;

oh the times
of laughter, smiles, and happiness
simply a wonderful stop in time
along the road of many years.

will i remember this night
tomorrow
next week
or twenty years from now?

i truly hope that i will treasure these memories
for many years to come.

falling, drowning, disappearing;

i'm falling, drowning, disappearing
whatever you wish to call it
but the bottom line is
i am losing grip
and losing my sanity.

there's something wrong
isn't there?
there's something missing
somewhere.

can i hold on?
can i manage?
or will i continue along
down the empty black hole
that is never ending?

halt time;

hold your breath and count to ten
take a second to reflect
on your day, your past
and your future.

beauty is found at every corner
even in the most desolate of places.
the key is to believe
and see not with your eyes
but with your heart.

so take a moment to halt time
to ignore the hectic chaos around you
and take that moment for yourself.

little old lady;

she sits there in her rocking chair
dipping back and forth
in a constant rhythm.

staring out into the sun
her mind is nowhere near
her eyes in a vacant stare
as she reminisces.

so many events in her life
that imprinted deeply in her heart
remembering the happy days
as well as every regret
every chance she never took.

she remembers the lovers of her youth
the passion for life she once had
vibrant and young
not this frail little old lady
she had become.

the years had been kind to her
for the most part
always having the bad fruit
every once in awhile.

now she sits and stares
with deep crows feet around her eyes
the evidence of past joy.

she walks on down memory lane
a path she loved to trail
for many hours on end.

no, i am not crazy;

no, i am not crazy
don't call me that.
i have problems that are completely
out of my control.
nature decided to take upon itself
to set out a different course
that would ultimately
create an invisible barrier
between myself and society.
i am maybe a little different
but why do you focus on the things i cannot do
rather than the things i can.
are you really that shallow
or am i really not in your league?

i give advice and tips to people;

i give advice and tips to people
telling them what they should
or shouldn't do.
but i seem to have a hard time
of understanding that it can benefit me as well.
maybe i can talk the talk
but not walk the walk.
sometimes i wonder if i can really stand on my own
if the two feet beneath my teetering body
can support my person.
can i prevail or will i forever be lost?

pressed on time;

pressed on time
suffocating under the elephant
that is crushing my chest.

it is hard to breath through this
to continue on
to see the light
at the end of the tunnel.

a very long tunnel.

i can count the days
until the last minute
the last second
that i am no longer free
and once again a prisoner.

it is a discouraging
yet eradicating thought.
but at this moment
it seems it will never end.

yesterday;

yesterday has come and gone
like it always has
a definite understanding
accepted without question.

but those memories retained
in those multiple yesterdays
have you held on to them
or have they gone with dying embers
of a fire long gone.

i ask you to believe
to wish up on a star again
and remember the magic
that was intimately integrated
in our very souls.

a never-ending cycle;

a never-ending cycle it seems
over and over again
a circular symphony.

is it too much to ask
to be granted release
time to relax
to drift away in endless peace?

the journey is far from over
it will never disappear
a constant companion
a life-long lover
and reluctantly held dear.

gone again;

gone again have you?
i would have expected
nothing less.

the way your brain works
is remarkable
so unfathomable.

you are simply a work of art.

escape;

there are those who drink their sorrows away
drink away the complications of life
for a more pleasant reality
in blissful darkness.

i am one who reads the night away
long hours put in
reading any material
i can get my hands on.

for me, it puts me in another world
a vast landscape of possibilities
only discovered between covers of a book.

and the process is repeated again, tonight.

perspectives;

let's put it into perspective:
you, me, him, her, it, they
what does it matter, honestly?
if we strive for the same
why can't we see eye-to-eye
why do we only bring to the front
our differences?

we are no different from one another
genetically, we have varying features
blue eyes, blonde hair, brown hair, green eyes.
but biologically, we posses the same exact foundation
two lungs, two kidneys, one liver
one heart.

and obviously different minds.

no matter what you believe:
evolutionary, we all derive from a common ancestor
religiously, we are all brothers and sisters under His name.
and if you believe in neither, we are all human.

so, i ask again
why all the sneers, the jeers, and the hate
can we not open up with a clean slate?
as the saying goes
"united we stand, divided we fall"
shall we allow for everything we have worked
to crumble in our foolish ideations?

thank you for going away;

thank you for going away.
i really appreciate it
because your presence is never wanted.
please grace me with peace
and don't return
for a very long time.
love, me.

there's an ache in my chest;

there's an ache in my chest
right here, next to my heart.
i feel so out of it sometimes
falling into a place
i think i can never pull myself out.
doesn't happen all the time, no
but when it strikes
a thousand needles penetrate me
causing me absolute misery.
maybe there is something wrong with me
twisted and misshapen
beyond recognition
and i can't even stop it
or even beg for help.

here again;

why are you here again?
never punctual but still the same.
not supposed to be here
yet.
please, go away
it is not your time.

goodbye;

goodbye
you've gone again
out of sight and out of mind
you will always
remain.

family;

family
what is the meaning of this word?
kinship by blood alone
or something more?

holiday gatherings of cheer
absent in many
a solitary existence.
a support system to rely on
a connective circle of love
is this what family is?

some members of which we never meet
for being on the other side of the globe
but by blood, we are a family.

happy, smiling;

happy, smiling
living the perfect life
at the prime of her youth.
but inside she was screaming
weeping for the ears that never heard
and the hearts that never cared.
was it something she missed
what ran amok since her birth
when did everything
go so wrong?

a fool;

you don't really get it do you?
you never really did.
i guess that comes as no surprise
no matter how many times
i tell you.
either you turn a blind eye
you are just a fool.
take your pick
because it doesn't matter to me
anymore.

free from a curse;

let me pit a grave
to bury all the troubles
into the sand
with my stained hands.
let them be washed away
in time, into the sea
where they will disperse
and i will be free from a curse.

doll;

why don't you ever listen to me?
you stare but never hear
as if the space between your ears
is hollow.

blah blah blah blah
is that all you can comprehend
when my lips part
and words tumble
meaningless as you?

i never needed a doll
i have plenty.
i needed you
but you are faulty
and a disappointment
without a clue.

shine down on me again;

shine down on me again
because i am needing your guidance
in this turbulent time
of my life.
bumpy roads before me
stick and stones that break me
and words that are burned in my heart.
over and over again
it never seems to end
a constant circle
absent of cutting corners.
free me once again
once more i need you
once more i plead you
to hear my stentorian whispers.

driving to the future;

driving down the highway again
passing cars left and right
watching a blur of color roll by me.

trees are aligned on the side of the road
trees, trees, and more trees
and the city far behind me.

out on the open road
going a thousand miles per hour
zipping past the exit ramps
of different pathways to life.

where is my perfect exit
the destiny made just for me?
i will keep on driving forward
into the horizon of the setting sun
always on the look out
for my future.

is death;

is death the cause for heartache and sorrow
or a cause for celebration
at knowing our loved ones are now at peace
in a place void of hardship.

is death an unfair advantage
or is it a godsend blessing
of poor souls who are ravaged
by unsuccessful chemotherapy.

is death the end of life
or the beginning of another adventure
that we have yet to experience.

smile, cheese, and click;

smile, cheese, and click.
capturing memories
one snapshot at a time
to be remembered
fifty years from now.

candid shots of gazing into the horizon
that only exists in the mind
listening the crashing waves of the ocean
and the call of seagulls
in the middle of a land-locked state.

old photos of times forgotten
straight, emotionless facades
that stare back at us.
what were they thinking?
what were they doing?
what mystery surrounds them
that we can only dream about?

let us flip through albums
of dated and new pictures
recollecting the exhilaration
that we felt at the time.
photos of family vacations
filled with joy and excitement.
or scenery shots from a road trip
relishing in the prospects
of uncharted destinations.

so
smile, cheese, and click
let us make the memories together
that will last us a lifetime
and generations to come.

2010;

my, my, my
good bye 2009
and hello 2010!

ten years we have been in this millennium
this century
and it seemed to have gone by so fast.
five years ago, i graduated from high school
half a decade.
ten years ago i left behind an old chapter
of my childhood life.
and one of the best years of my life, 2007
took place in your last ten years.

so what will the future bring?
what will the next ten years look like?
i am excited and nervous
for what new horizons you will open up for me
and what new adventures are awaiting
to be embarked, explored, and conquered.

and it is only the beginning.