because i was right;

a rolling spasm in my chest
waving out a guilty speck

no, no
i am not guilty
i am not in the wrong
i know it

attitudes and presentations
first impressions
and angry words

it's creeping up, up, up
from my chest
sloughing up my esophagus

squash it down because i am not wrong
i did nothing wrong
but you've made me like this
twisting a one-eighty
with the gun pointed at me

so you think you've won
maybe you have
so you think you're high and mighty
but you are not
you are not better than me

because i was right
honest and true

dishonest practice;

so angry, trying to fight it
to hold the tears at bay
and failing miserably.

cheated and lied to
in the wrong, i think not
but people will still
have their way.

unjust, unfair
a stressor unnecessary
frustrated beyond words
and exhausted.

take it, take it all
take all your dishonest practice wants
don't tell me to not talk to you like that
i'll talk how i want
when you are the one that drive me
to the edge.

skinny little girl;

skinny little girl
in her skinny little dress
black of course, little black dress
double zeros on the tag.

a look in the mirror shows the fatigue
on her face, dark circles under her eyes
the stress of keeping up with the norms
and the fads that determine beauty.

sunken eyes stare back at her
the little ribs poking from her sides
underwear barely clinging on her bony hips
and an empty bra stuffed with socks
like she once did with mommy's things
as a child so many years ago.

the brittle hair on her head
once the fame and glory of her world
now dull and lifeless
like the eyes that count the calories
and the hours she ran, ran, ran
ran the pounds down until
nothing was left.

all she wanted was to be beautiful
to be like the super models on the runway
catwalking their designer clothes
so proud, so powerful
so deadly an illusion can be.

she was a radiant girl full of health
the girl of every boy's dream
but oblivious she was
to their desperate attempts to woo her.
her mind was always elsewhere
always preoccupied with food, exercise, and image.

she wilted away from the world
and as the pounds melted
her obsession grew
seemingly sucking up the falling weight.

and she was determined, oh so determined
to fortify her dreams of becoming the ideal
the distorted reality becoming the center of her universe.

she pinched the nonexistent flab
the muffin top she saw so clearly in her head
and she began to formulate a plan
to start another day's worth
of shedding her skin.

she wants;

she wants you to tell her she is beautiful
not hot, sexy or a babe

she wants you to tell her she is passionate
not wild, a party child or an attention-seeker

she wants you to tell her she is a lover
not a quick fix or a skank in bed

she wants for nothing more than to share everything
without you seeing her as a one-night stand

wake up world, the sun is rising;

wake up world, the sun is rising
the breaking of a new dawn is coming
the day is beginning

wash away the dreams
chase away the nightmares
open your eyes to a clean slate
to sketch the rest of your day

every day is a new one
an empty canvas just waiting to be painted
by the artist who lives it
beginning at the break of dawn.

parasitic leech;

it's like a snake
slithering in my soul
invading my deepest secrets
it hunts and preys
on the darkest of memories
hoping to bring out
the worst in me.

most definitely not a friend
truly a foe at heart
picking at the broken slivers
finding the buttons to push
to drive me to the edge.

get out, get out
it is not wanted
i try so desperately to banish it
from the depths from which it came.

but it refuses to leave
a parasitic leech
with a hunger so deep
all i can do i try to keep it concealed
before it ruins everything.

box of treasures;

a box of treasures hidden under the bed
tucked away and long forgotten
keeping its solitude until the time was right

to take a look inside
is to take a walk down memory lane
a photo or two, here and there
small mementos to you from them

some things in that treasure box
hard to remember where the came from
and even harder
why they are there

the many years from childhood to adulthood
and everything in between
led to the present
shaping you into who you are today

all the secrets deep inside
you carry them to your dying day
the box of treasures you hold dear
to follow you into the afterlife.

beachy escape;

the beach
i need it, i crave it
a solitude escape
from the reality
that gives nothing
but headaches.

a mini-vacation
a hot-spot i seek
to replenish
my bruised soul
bared down to the ground.

a little 'away time'
for me, myself, and i
a trio of one
to reconnect with one another.

i need this, i want this
to relax, to play, to bask in the sun
and forget about everything
to focus on me.

maybe it's just me;

a lot happens spontaneously
in the span of ten years.

amazing, this revelation
of what once was
and now is.

am i missing something here
i feel lost, my compass of life gone
somewhere in the depths of the sea.

am i slow, perhaps, biologically
for i am still single, and not a mother
though many i know
are on that path
with several under their belts
literally.

our childhood days are no longer present
we've left it all behind in the past
and shut the door, lock and key

either things really have changed
or maybe it's just me.

a thousand nights;

a thousand nights spent lying under the stars
just you and i, alone, together
synonymously in tune.

the matching beating of our hearts
a sinus rhythm
tick-tock, tick-tock
ba-dum, ba-dum
the pounding of drums
in our ears.

a deep breath and a long sigh
the only sounds amongst our screaming thoughts
audible by only us, alone
and no one else.

the stars twinkle high above us
as if winking at our jubilant charade
although no expression graces our faces
except for a tiny smile.

the stillness around us, except for nature
is a beautiful awakening
as we are the only ones in our world
making memories in quiet companionship.

the best friend's silence;

i'll keep my silence
i won't say a word
i'll the best friend
and watch from the sidelines
as i have for a hundred years.

i don't mind it at all
not at all, as you will never know.
i'll be your supporting rock
the anchor that binds you
so close and yet so far.

and when your heart is torn
the pieces shattered all around
i will lift you from the ground
pull you up, dust your knees
plant a kiss on your forehead
and tell you everything will be okay.

and in return i'll ask for nothing more
than for your love and respect
your understanding of my turmoil
of seeing you in another's embrace
time and time again.
and i pray for the day
that you will maybe see me
as something more
than a shoulder for your head to lay.

temptation;

i told myself i wasn't
nope, wasn't going to do that
no, no, no
i will not succumb.

oh, there i went
i did it, what i said i wouldn't
i let myself fall
into temptation.

how to get out of it now?
maybe, it will be okay
in the end, maybe it will work itself out?

have i dug a hole that i cannot climb from
have i lost the meaning to all of this
have i lost sight
has it disappeared?

no, it will be okay
i have to believe
that things will set its course
in the right direction.

after all, it always does
doesn't it?

rates of time;

time is linear, that we know
but how do alternate realities compare
to our own passing clocks?
are their minutes our hours?
or their days our years?

if rates between worlds, realities
differ greatly
wouldn't we live longer in one
and die quicker in another?
perhaps we would have no understanding
of the inner workings of time
and therefore not see nor feel the difference
of the rates of time
until we pass through another place.

maybe like the pevensie children of c.s. lewis' creation
we grow, flourish, and age in one world
while coming back into the other
just as we were at the beginning.

falling;

falling, falling, falling
downward and spiraling
a million feet left to go
from this hot-air balloon drop.

the rush of colors from all around
as we hold on desperately
hurtling forward
lost with no direction.

we'll wait for the end of the ride
the end of the ride, the end.

we'll bow and curtsy to each other
you in your spiffy solid black tuxedo
and me in my girlish aubergine party dress.
our laughter becomes our serenade
the skipping beats of our hearts
becoming the music to which we dance
watched by smiling stars
that shine from above.

and we'll wait for the end of the ride
the end of the ride, the end.

however farther we have left to go
a million feet, a million seconds
a million years
we will have each other, beautiful company
twirling our dances
until the end, the end of the ride
the end of time.

end of the line;

i'm running down the ocean deep
the twinkling stars high above
my guides to the end of the rainbow
and the horizon that awaits me.

exhilarating yet just as frightening
the beating of my own heart
drowning out my racing thoughts
pumping on adrenaline
to reach the end of the line.

and the biggest question lies here
what will i find when i reach the pinnacle
what tunnel will open for me
and will i like what i see?

rejuvenate;

Hot, stuffy, suffocating
I can hardly breath
Becoming quite short of breath
And seemingly close to death.
Pull me out of here
And dip me into the sea
Let me nourish my wasted body
Help me rejuvenate my soul.

hard to concentrate;

Sometimes it is hard to concentrate
Losing myself in my reverie
As the lecture goes in one ear
And out the other
Collecting dust along the way.
A really bad habit it becomes
Especially as spring begins to near.
The sunshine and warm breeze
Calls out to me, begging me
To come out and play.

little things;

the little things in life
sometimes make everything alright
bringing light into the day
and hope to the future.

sometimes it's just a breath of fresh air
a breeze carried from afar
that reminds us to keep looking forward
to the greener grass
that denotes a far better horizon.

tears begin to flow;

after holding back
the dam breaks
and the tears begin to flow.

regrets;

regrets
maybes, what ifs
i should have
maybe

those moments of the past
that had us at hello
but we brushed them away
only to finally realize
the beauty in them

maybe we are weak
and so, did not pursue
such life-changing journeys

are we afraid
of consequences that may bestow
upon our already chaotic lives

maybe, what ifs, i should have
everything i never could do
and future opportunities absent

i remember;

i remember
the years gone by
the memories that have faded
rushing back like a flooded dam.

the sounds, the sights, the sensations
feeling them reverberate though my body
a war of neuronic signals
forcing me be a witness.

such wonderful, beautiful times
such precious memories
nothing more but dust in the past
that will soon be forgotten
all over again.

pandora's box;

it's an open door
waiting for you, and only you,
continuously, for a hundred years.

standing ever so strong
prevailing the darkest of storms
holding its ground
for as long as needed.

it will not push you
but let you decide
when you think the time is right
to delve inside
and face your pandora's box.

karma;

what goes around, comes around
you will get your taste of karma
and see reality in the mirror.

do you like it
is this who you wanted to be
are you proud?

at least now, you do not have to hide
we all know who you are behind the mask.

continue forward;

if we persevere, maybe we can get through
maybe the satellites above will emit
the signals that will lead us home
wherever it may be.

sometimes it seems hopeless
no finish line to the long road ahead
miles and miles stretched out before you
a deserted destiny.

but how far can you go?
how long will you withstand the pressure
and do you think you are cut out for it.

sometimes it is not whether you have the money
or the means, the transportation, the luxuries.
sometimes it is all simply internal:
do you have the willpower
do you have the determination
do you have the dream
to continue forward?

pull me down;

pull me down
level me with the ground
as i am floating helplessly above
in between passing clouds.

up or down is irrelevant
i am twirling a three-sixty
in and out i will float.

cut me down from the balloon
the imaginary osmotic pull
like nutrients going from tissue to capillaries
i am being pulled further and further away.

bring me down
keep me here
don't let go.

sister;

sister
someone i long
who i will never have
no matter how desperately
i dream.

academia;

academia, you mock me so
put my mind through a tornado
leaving me to pick up the debris
that you strewed so haphazardly.

a failure you make me appear to be
distorting the only vision i can see
having me question my ability
and destroying confidence brutally.

falling, falling, falling
you left me dangling off a cliff
leaving me to scream and wish
for a different tune to sing.

i'll thank you for deserting me
in my desperate time of need.
i didn't need you anyhow
and this path i will walk alone now.

it's steadily getting worse;

it's steadily getting worse
like a water dam ready to burst
and drown the surrounding towns
dimming the flickering
lights of my life.

disappointment fills my chest
peaking with a lump
in the hollow of my neck
as i feel the strain of being ashamed.

it's my fault, i know
but for all the wrong reasons
as the connections between neurons
no longer flow
as they should.

maybe i am not cut out for this
maybe it is out of my league
maybe i need to embark on a new path
and foster a new destination.

failed promises;

Failed promises
And shattered dreams
Trying so desperately
To pick up the broken pieces.

i am not one to;

i am not one to paint my face
to hide the scars and the imperfections
that grace my person.
i am not one to hide behind in shame
to put up a different front
or to conduct a new personality.
i am not one to turn a head
nor a blind eye to the issues that matter
no matter how trivial or insignificant they may be.
i am not one to turn my back
on the world that fostered my being.
i am not one to lose sight
on everything that ever mattered.

young, uninhibited and free;

i remember when i was eighteen
young, uninhibited and free
without a care in the world
relishing in the beauty of life.

a long time since then
and a long way to have come
in the span of only five years.

much calmer, rational
less spontaneous
growing a calm head on the shoulders
and taking things slow.

is this what it feel like to grow up
to see things in a different light
to be standing on the other spectrum
becoming the responsible adult?

it's a new sensation
somewhat surreal
but empowering at the same time
entering a new stage in life
and having to say goodbye to another.

a million things;

a million things i want to say
a thousand words i need to hear
a hundred heartbeats i'll endure
until i can controvert the fear.

a million times i have sighed
a thousand memories i have cried
a hundred nights i have stayed awake
because of you, my world was shaken.

it just keeps on coming;

it just keeps on coming
there is not an end to the stream
that is starting to drown me
in my little dwelling.

like the rain that splatters on the window panes
so does the ink from my pen
onto this stack of scrap
papers from what i need to focus upon.

and they still keep on flowing
marching a parade
into my world.

no time for rest or sleep;

the words becoming a blur
a black sea forming slowly
until it spreads across the page
and my line of vision.

heavy lids threatening to retreat
abandoning me in my battle
to regain a hold of consciousness
and fight to finish the race.

it's become so hard to focus
as my mind weakens and wanders
most definitely not focusing
on the important issue at hand.

come back to me, come back
we have to complete our task
there is no time for rest or sleep
until we climb out of this mountain deep
of educational pursuits.