first code;

i remember stepping into the room
and stepping right back out
the frenzy commotion a bit overwhelming
as a medical staff battles
death cloaked in a cardiac arrest.

i can see his face still
lying on his hospital bed
his eyes still open
but focused on nothing
as they intubated him.

medication after medication
prepackaged and already prepared
to push as quickly as possible
and compressing the heart to circulate.

time seemed to stand still
and i held my breath
screaming in my head
chanting my own nonsensical prayer.

and then i was thrust into their world
relieving compressions for another
a completely different sensation from a mannequin.

my arms did not fall off
nor did my concentration break.
everything seemed methodical
but my brain a train wreck.

he couldn't make it
and i can see so clearly his head and face
turning blue, becoming cyanotic
permanently.

i cried
i cried for all that i could not do
i cried for the life that was stolen
i cried for everything.

this is why i am here, is it not
this is why i am in school, is it not.

but it seems so surreal
goodbyes are never easy
though pain will subside with time
but seeing death stays with you
for eternity.

i will never forget.
i cannot forget.