love-hate relationship;

ugh, it's you again, huh?
well, come on in
and make yourself comfortable

i know you won't be going for a minute

it's a love-hate relationship
always desperate for the other
and yet when coming face-to-face
finding it's presence discomforting
and annoying

but still
every time we meet
there is a spark of hope and happiness
even for just a moment
before it dissipates
until the next time

add add add;

add add add
it's just a popularity contest
like high school prom king and queen
who will get the titles?
who is the most famous?

how many of those can you truly call upon
when you are falling so far down
that you need an army to lift you up.

like memories
we have lived through millions
but which are the ones
will we remember on our deathbeds?

harry potter and graduation;

so i have come to realize
the very last installment to harry potter
the very last film
will come out the year i graduate college.

it is surreal, really
finally, the adventure coming to a complete end.
and it holds more symbolic meaning to me
than anything else ever had.

harry potter comes to an end in july 2011
and i will graduate from college august 2011.
it is like a sign, to leave behind childhood
to close a chapter of my life i held so dear
to pave the way to a new future
taking my first real step into the adult world.

day-by-day;

what am i living for?
it seems like a day-by-day
not really looking forward
but simply living in the moment.

but count the days that passed
the years now only memories
beginning to fade in the distance of time.

what is the purpose?
it seems surreal to see
that more than half the year
has faded away.

i feel stuck in place
glued to the ground
and unable to move my feet
forward.

the perfect image;

i've concocted the perfect image
the highest standard attainable
and it is sitting vacant
waiting for the one to fill its place.

waiting waiting waiting
patient and impatiently
just hanging around
until the moment where
everything falls into place.

time crawls by slowly
but still it stands strong
vigilant
holding its ground until
the dust is finally blown off.

grumble;

grumble grumble grumble
time to satisfy this natural calling
and then maybe i can focus
on what needs tending.

i am decorating my mind;

i am decorating my mind
filling the grey walls with books
pushing a comfy aubergine chair into the corner
right next to window that spans wide
doubling what is my fourth wall.

i am decorating my mind
and beyond the window lies
an outside world that is almost always
shining with brilliant sunlight
with fluffy white clouds scattered
among a sea of ocean-blue skies.

i am decorating my mind
hanging canvas paintings of cities
so life-like, one must double-take
and looking closely, every pixel is a memory
which has formed in my life-time.

i am decorating my mind
because it is my sanctuary
a place that i can retreat to in the darkest of times
the one escape that is my own
that no one can ever destroy.

rolling thunder;

a rolling thunder outside
no rain, no lightening
just a semi-calm sound
soothing and non-threatening.

a peaceful atmosphere
amidst a brewing storm
perhaps it is the eye
or maybe its typical temperament.

but no matter
this continuous roll that does not deviate
to stark silence or treacherous screams
we can continue to bathe in its lullaby.

make up my mind;

i guess i can make up my mind now
and stop beating around the bush
maybe now i can start something
that hopefully is not too late

what exactly had i been waiting for?
what did i finally lose?

even though it was never mine to begin with

it feels as if a balloon has burst;

it feels as if a balloon has burst
spilling an icy cold on my insides
stopping my heart and my breath
as the pain begins to escalate

i should have expected it
i really did know, deep down inside
but even so, it aches and it burns

but now, maybe it won't be so bad
anymore

maybe it will turn away and crawl back
hiding from the view of the world
that it was invisible to anyway

there's a bridge between us;

there's a bridge between us
that is seemingly growing longer
stretching out for what seems like miles
and i am not sure how we can meet
halfway.

the love between is there, true
but aside from genetics
we seem like polite strangers
no matter how much we beat around the bush.

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to change it anymore
i don't exactly want to give up
but what is there to do?

children are vulnerable;

children are vulnerable
and you committed a crime against one.

it is so degrading
that you should not be allowed
to see the beginnings of a new day
ever again.

a little girl is helpless
completely dependent on an adult
and you broke that trust.

you are the epitome of evil.

summer dresses and iced tea;

summer dresses and iced tea
in the heat of a summer's eve
the closing of a beautiful day
a setting sun to fade.

oh well;

huh, so that is how you look now
completely changed, older, much older
not that i can remember what you looked like
many years ago.

so, if you look like that
he must mirror it, if only slightly
i doubt i could even recognize him
anymore.

not my fault, however
it was not my choice
but happened nonetheless.

oh well.

she wants to take a ride;

she wants to take a ride
out on the countryside
with the wind tousling her hair
and the vast sky before her
open and wide.

the other side of the mirror;

how do i get there, she wondered
to the other side of the mirror
an alternate reality and universe
where i once dwelled
in what seemed like a memory from long ago.

i can poke and prod, she said
but it will not give
and there is something
or someone
on the other side
that i want so desperately.

it is really frustrating, she vented
i will go completely mad
if i am to stay where i am
for even a minute longer.

please, please, let me through, she ached
i think i know why
the reason to my beating heart
whenever i think about the other side.

i think i know, i need to go, please.

can you stop haunting me;

can you stop haunting me
my dreams are torture enough
because waking up hurts
as i know it is most definitely
not my reality
nor will it ever be

you and i equate to nothing

fireflies;

fireflies
flickering little lights
twinkling in the darkness
one by one
illuminating.

on the eve on a warm summer day
precariously falling into the traps
of a child's wish
for a living nightlight.

and year after year
summer after summer
they will be back
to foster the dreams
of generations to come.

so innocent;

so innocent
a brain devoid of washing
an empty slate to create
a lack of influence to induce
so vast and beautiful
waiting to be molded.

so young
starting out life only a few months before
a guinea pig to two
learning the ropes to the world
completely dependent.

take your steps slowly
don't rush blindly
try to see the world in multiple views
understand it from another stand
but above all
awaken your potential
and live to your fullest.

beautiful, young, free;

so beautiful
so young
so free
and living in the moment
taking it for granted.

time goes forward
and we are always growing
aging another year
another day
another minute
another second.

we waste away our most precious years
only to look back at it much later
and wondering
what the hell were we thinking?

pyramid;

here
let us try
this once more
maybe, just maybe
it will actually look like
what i am aiming for.
it may not be quite
perfect, but it is
the beginning
to what we
all hope
for.

i almost died;

a painful stitch on the right side
right over the rib
i can feeling the bump
the calcified ridge
from a wound long healed.

why now
after all those years
does the injury ache
subtly, but clear all the same.

it triggers the memories buried deep
of the first time
i almost died.

oh how quickly time flies by;

rifling through the hard drive
an array of photos
reflecting memories as far as five years back

high school
first job
birthdays
outings

every image whispers ghosts from my past

oh how quickly time flies by
and i can picture myself
in another five, ten, or twenty years
repeating the exact same statement

i am feeling disconnected;

i am feeling disconnected
like i am watching the world
from the outside in
wanting to desperately be a part
a corporeal existence.

it is almost disheartening
to seem excluded
like an outsider intruding
on the life never to be my own.

i am even plagued in dreams
by such circumstances and situations.

it is beyond my control
and yet so close
i can almost taste it.

so why can i not be a part of it?

you know--;

you know--
you can say that i am afraid of growing older
that i am afraid of change
change to the world
--my body
--my mind
it is an overwhelming sensation
like dreams of falling.

hard to breath;

hard to breathe
suffocating
like choking on a sour lemon
how to reverse the effects?

feeling pinned down
shackled to the ground
becoming all too familiar with it
unwillingly and inevitably.

it mirrors a cold existence
the happy thoughts and memories
no longer in abundance
but faded like the dust
lost in the spiral of time.

the unsung hero;

forgotten
he was left in the sidelines
the unsung hero
a warrior lost, drowned by his past
his glory shadowed by the chosen one.

nothing could have been successful
nor would freedom have existed
had he not orchestrated the plans of war.

he was a prisoner, a spy, a pawn
two sides of war, two sides of a coin
having to make his stand
on both good and evil
a paradoxical crisis.

he is the one without support
risking his life and dignity
to grovel at the feet of a madman
to do the biding of a conspirator
just to save the world
which turned a blind eye to his torment.
the world that gives nothing
and yet desires everything.

the world believes he should pay
to atone for his past sins
even when circumstances were beyond his control.

every night he goes to bed
shaking from the after-effects of his latest tortures
his body tired and broken
lacerated from the deepest corners of his soul
to his superficial layer of skin.

and yet, he puts himself on the line
time and time again
he sacrifices every comfort he never had
to ensure that the world which scorns his very existence
can live to see another sunrise.

[05/2010]

dreaming about a new tomorrow;

she is dreaming about a new tomorrow
the future that which she can almost taste
the very understanding of knowing
hitching up a level of anticipation
that she can barely contain.

it is like a tune
to which she cannot
stop dancing to.
the rhythm the essence of her soul
her heartbeats her metronome.

slowly but surely
that beautiful dream of hers
will rise along the horizon
to shift from future to present
to become her reality
until it fades into the backdrop
and becomes a wonderful memory of the past.

[05/2010]

i love how a scent;

i love how a scent
can send you hurtling
through the space of time
to a memory buried over the years.

the sounds and the sights
they rush right by, flying, speeding
it is hard to hold on tight
on this gut-wrenching, whirlwind ride.

it is a chain reaction
the connections your neurons create
the scents being your catalyst
your brain filling in the gaps
reviving the puzzle pieces.

and we all hope
that those scents from the ghosts of your past
are pleasant memories
that foster satisfaction and joy
and brighten the darkest of days.

[05/2010]

dreaming of another world;

i am dreaming of another world
so unlike my current reality
where circumstances are only possible
in the imagination of books.

a completely different view
an untouched landscape just waiting
to be conquered.

how could i possibly immerse myself
and stay there forever?