can't turn back the clock;

you can't turn back the clock
even for all those wasted years
separated and distant.
that is the way of life
unpredictable at its very best.

can amends be made?
can we start anew?
for the most part
no is the answer.
in certain circumstances, maybe
and with certain people, yes.
others are left just where they are
where they have been
since the beginning of the end.

always hiding behind the wall;

always hiding behind the wall
it's her backbone
her infrastructure
her protector
from everything in the world
it is her sanctuary.

large and small stones
her sacred wall in composed
and in each stone holds a key
a note, a memory, a wish
it is the mosaic patchwork of her soul.

and every time she needs to escape
from the reality that deems to much from time to time
to her stone wall she runs
it is her own version of a harry potter pensieve
where she can come and lay her thoughts and feelings to rest.

so that when she reemerges back into reality
she may do so with a clear conscious
a clean slate
with all the confidence she's ever had.

tiny little break;

mulling over a hot cup of coffee
a comfortable silence
amidst the busy world outside.

people talking
children laughing
cars honking
dogs barking
chaos at its very best
in the early hours of a weekday morning.

but a closing of the eyes
opens up the worlds within
where peace is a dominating force
calming the nerves, heightening the senses.

sometimes it's just that tiny little break
that everyone needs in their lives.

insignificantly small;

we are so insignificantly small
and yet, we believe to stand tall
higher than the mountains around us
reaching the skies
we think we can touch the moon
and move the stars.

but look around

the vast beauty around us

that we never take the time

to stop

to listen

and to see

not with our eyes, but with our heart.

we are caught up in our busy lives

a revolving door that never ceases to slow down

and let we let everything else pass us by

in a blur of color, sights, and sounds.

stop and breathe

the world is so much bigger

than we can ever hope to understand

it's majestic crown of beauty

that we can only ever hope to dream.

stop and breathe

before it's too late

and you forget what it is like to live.

[inspiration: The Mountain: Terje Sorgjerd]

who will i be today;

it's like dancing on either side of the court

two cards to play, depending on the situation

my ace and my jack, black jack perhaps.

which one will benefit me

which one will have me excel

it all just depends really

but i have the choice.

two halves of one

different from each other

and unfortunately

far more identified with only one.

the other has been left in the dust

like a long forgotten toy

abandoned in the farthest corner of the attic.

but still, the options are there

waiting for me to take my pick.

who will i be today?

restart life;

excuse me

where is the reset button?

i am in dire need of it

so it would be great

if you could just tell me now.

i've searched high and low

far and wide

and it is a futile search.

do you have the treasure map

where X marks the spot

and lies my beloved restart button.

please, i will barter with the devil

i will give him my soul

if only you will tell me

even a whisper.

seriously

let's have our do-overs

don't tell me

you haven't wished to restart life.

when did it happen;

when did it happen

when did it all begin?

we shed out childhood jubilance

our care-free days and mindless wanderings

of lazy summer evenings and afternoon naps.

when did we step out of our comfort zone

and enter the industrial lane

to become working zombies of society

where 40-hour work weeks become our future.

when did we become adults

making salaries, paying mortgages, and raising families

where did we find the strength

to stand our own two feet.

because i myself feel trapped

lost in a limbo of in-betweens

it seems almost impossible

to imagine the future described.

i will never be ready

and i almost don't want to be

but my strangling grasp on the past

is beginning to wane and become futile.

whether or not i want it

i will take my place in society

and i will have no choice but to continue moving forward.

it is times like these;

it is times like these, that i hate him more

a burning fire deep within

never quite extinguished

ready to flare up at any moment

if only given the opportunity.

it tears me apart

to see what life has done

and all i want to do is blame someone

so i blame him, my go-to scapegoat.

he did and gave nothing

the perfect escape.

i will never forget.

i will never forgive.

i want to run, far away;

i want to run, far away

off to a nowhere place

feet pounding

heart racing

and not stop until i have shed

every last fiber of my being.

i want to run, far away

and as i do

i take off the layers

one by one

my name

my past

my memories

i will let them fall

like raindrops on floating leaves

until they are absorbed into the ground.

and still i will run.

i will not stop

until my legs can no longer carry me

until i have sprinted to the edge of my sanity

where i will take a leap of faith

off my proverbial cliff

and fall not so gracefully

into the waiting waters below.

and then i will cleanse myself

until every last molecule that makes up my being

is doused and re-awaken.

it will be the time

to open my eyes

and revel in the new sunrise.

i saw those papers again;

i saw those papers again

and this time, i really took a look.

i guess technically

you were both at fault

both breaking the rules

fighting over one thing.

but still of course

animosity towards you

escalated

until my little heart wanted to pop

from increased pressure.

you are despicable

when i really think about it.

you would have tried far harder

had you truly cared.

spring;

beautiful, beautiful weather
clearest of clear skies

not a spot of white fluffiness

no marshmallow clouds to obscure

and the rustling of the trees

leaves dancing in the wind

whisper symphonies.

spring has come, spring has come

finally to grace us

after winter's cold, dark grasp

ice has melted

like a warming heart

chase the gloominess away.

the world is anew

bursting with life.

good morning, early morning;

good morning, early morning

before the crack of dawn

birds still sleeping

nestled in their nests

night creatures still stirring

scurrying around in sunday best

good morning, good morning

early morning

before the dawn

the sun still sleeps

but i am here to say hello

half-filled wine glass;

half-filled wine glass
discarded, abandoned
nothing but lost reminders

and empty promises

it's the same, over and over

paradoxical existence

a never ending circle.

hard to escape

and hard to see the light

but gotta try

gotta try.

renewed eyes;

dear world

just stop for a second

you're spinning too fast

i need to catch my breath

and take a look around.

my vision has been clouded

by dust particles spurned from the ground

the future shadowed and indecipherable

i've seen the light

i've seen the light.

it's like a heavy burden has been uplifted

like a drunk awoken from his alcoholic stupor

hangover dissipated and head clear

it's the dawning of a revelation

of epic proportions.

so just stop word, just stop

your axis can live with just one pause

so i can look upon you

with renewed eyes.

friendship;

brief moments in time spent laughing

over hot chocolate and caramel lattes

with friendships of old

that seems to never fade.

distance and years become prominent

we grow, we mature, we change

but there are some things ever constant

it's a beacon to which we cling

just to keep us grounded.

it is beautiful and cherished

the sunshine to our rainstorm

the bottle of love and happiness

this is friendship.

and so sleep evades;

and so sleep evades me once again

like peter pan desperately searching for his shadow

a never-ending game of hide-and-seek

it never wants to be found.

it's hard to count sheep who never stay put

or simply to shutdown the racing mind

impossible feats of self-heroic acts

slumber does not come easily.

somewhat of an insomniac

a sliver in the broad range

with erratic circadian rhythms

that too wish to call it quits.

eventually i will close my eyes

and sleep will come to grace me

but only to continue running a race in my dreams.

time;

time

is quite depressing, really

it never stops

it's a linear pathway

infinite.

i used to be able to count the years

that i have been alive

all on one hand

then two

and now i no longer have enough.

i see how old i will be

in the years in the future

and i am fearful of aging

i don't want to grow old

i want to stay young

forever.

getting older

means the ones i love

are aging as well.

and being organic organisms

we are not eternal

and we cannot live forever.

we must die and disappear from the earth

to make way for future generations

so that they may have a chance to live.

but i am still selfish

if there is an after life

i wish to remain here on earth

even as a ghost

so that i may be part of this world

despite no physical attachments.

but that sentiment too

is wishful thinking

and even if it were to be my destiny

it would be filled with sorrow

longing and resentment

of watching the young and healthy

the old and wise, alive

knowing that i can never truly be a part

when i am long dead.

skipping;

dreams and fantasy is where my mind lingers

oblivious to the calling of reality

i don't wish to go back

to that black hole, dark and cold.

it's cloud nine right here

no worries or troubles

an ease of mind

no dark thunder storms

to cloud my days.

i ignore the whistle of the train

the signal of the last boarding for the evening

there is no question of where it is heading

destination: reality.

i think it's okay to skip one more day.

chocolate;

chocolate

sweet delectable ambrosia

the chicken noodle soup to my soul

my private comfort.

you make everything better.

never deserved;

you were once cruel

your laughing jokes bordering on the line

and your relentless use of my body

it was just a relationship based on sex.

who do you think you were

toying with the mind of inexperience

was it just your idea of fun and games

no matter how much it hurt?

backstabbing with a flair for twisting the truth

you possess a scary mind and even scarier soul

i became afraid and desperate to hide

if only to avoid your gaze.

but it's been a long time now

since you last contacted me

to which of course i always ignored.

i see now how stupid i once was

to have given you time of day

when your mind and heart

you very being

was always elsewhere.

and now, i am grateful that it is

and i also thank you for what you did

because of your actions

you made me stronger

far more sure of what i definitely

do not wish to have in my life.

you were far beneath me

and never deserved to have me.

puzzle piece;

i haven't ever loved

where it pains me to see them go

where my heart rips from my chest

and is cut into a million pieces

as the romance dies.

none were very meaningful.

yes, there was happiness

and a fondness that captivates.

but only puppy love at its best.

something was always missing

a puzzle piece that was never there

leaving a gaping hole.

the picture that needed completion

never found the paint that bring it to life.

i want to find it

i know it is out there somewhere

i can almost touch it.

child that once was me;

i miss the exhilaration i once felt

so many, many years ago

as a child on a bike

riding over a wooden bridge

to get to the other side.

i can still hear the conversations

that children have among one another

and the memories they flood the brain

like a dam whose lever has broken.

such carefree days

days spent running amok in the sun

where adult troubles were nonexistent

and our only job was to grow.

those days have come and gone

all the children growing up and moving on.

how often do they revisit the past

their precious childhood

that society requires of us to do away with

as we face the world as adults.

i myself hold strong nostalgia to my past

because although they are now merely memories

their presence helps keep alive the child in me.

child that i once was

child that once was me

you are my inspiration.

we don't dance on strings;

what makes you think

you can play god

that you can toy

with the lives of others.

we don't dance on strings

and you cannot bend us to your will

for we have our own minds.

but you so selfishly believe it to be so

that you are superior

that the lives you destroyed

are meaningless.

think again

because karma's a merciless bitch

what you have done on others

will be done upon you.

circles;

walking around in circles

caught in a loop

it's never ending

and there is no edge.

where will it take us

this journey of continuation

what lies on the rim

what's on the other side?

puzzle pieces;

you've opened the box

and there lies the puzzle pieces

so many of them

jumbled against one another.

you dump them out on the kitchen table

a thousand little segments

maybe more

you can't remember.

laboriously

you put them together

crying in frustration

when some do not fit perfectly

but mismatched and

a recipe for disaster.

how long does it take you

sitting in that same little spot

by the same little window

the world is going on without you

and you sit here still

playing in your puzzle world.

something comes alive

as a picture is slowly painted

it looks so familiar

but you cannot remember.

you haven't remembered anything

in a very long time.

humming to yourself

you giggle softly

it's almost the end of the game

and you hold the last remaining piece

between your fingers.

and there it goes

right where it should be.

but you look at your hands again

wrinkled, age spots dotting the surface.

what has happened?

where had the time gone?

the picture you composed

comes alive

like a little movie

you see a life that you once forgotten

everything you once felt, you once seen

you once loved

flashes before you.

and then you realize

in this little kitchen

putting the puzzle pieces together

you spent half your life

living in the past.

driver's seat;

you think you walk a lonely road

down a dark, age worn path

but you don't know that the sun

the sun is shining brightly

so very high above.

you have lost hope

where did you leave it behind

check under the rocks

look behind the trees

it's there

it never left

it's following you

trailing, trailing.

there are no tricks here

only the sound of your sighs

alleviate the heaviness on your heart

let the light touch your soul.

you, you, you

only you're in charge

take control

you are in the driver's seat.

sunrise beginning;

it was something that i could

never imagine possible

and you have managed to crawl

right beneath my skin.

i feel like i'm losing grip

on this sailing wayward ship

to place where no one has found

it's uncharted territory

where i can finally sit and breathe.

it's a sunrise beginning

where the rays touch

the corners of our round earth

and maybe if we just kept on dreaming

it won't ever really end.

hello world;

hello world

you have seen so much history unfold

battles, kingdoms

and the evolution of mankind.

in the very beginning

we gave you your peace.

because according to science

we did not come into being

until many years after your birth.

you frolicked happily in your galaxy

dancing on your axis

blissfully basking in the sunlight.

and then things began to change.

microscopic creatures began to take form

as your body began to change

and life adapted.

the millions of years flew by

seconds in your eyes

until two leg walking humans

claimed your vast land as their own.

your rich earth has been drilled and torn apart

the landscape a battlefield of destruction

as humanity greedily sucked up your jewels.

like a man whose heart burns with lust

your body is his oasis.

how much longer of this can you take?

when will you finally snap

and redecorate yourself

overhauling humanity.

when will our end of the world

finally slap us in the face?

will you take mercy on us

and let us live, albeit perhaps

starting from scratch

and reconstruct our beginning.

or will you relentlessly destroy us

and let our entire history die.

winter wonderland;

hello, winter wonderland

you've coated your presence

with a heavy load of snow

along with thick ice on the roads.

your appearance brought joy to those here

but your lingering

is starting to wear the patience of motorists thin.

but for those like me

with no place to go

and not needed anywhere

it is a peaceful solace.

thank you for gracing us

we hope to see you again in the future.

find the hope inside;

who was it that told you

that you were worthless

and a waste of space

and a good brain.

what history do you bury under ground

that lead to such turn of events

that no person should ever endure?

who took your spirit

twisted it maliciously

squeezing until it could not breathe

and then step on it to make sure it was dead?

your days have darken

and you cannot remember the light

or how the sun feels shining on your face.

you have forgotten simple pleasures of life.

you have retreated deep inside you

a broken shell teetering on a tightrope

one wrong move and it is over.

and it seems like it is what you desire.

when did it all change for you

when you lost all hope

and even forgot who you were.

solace, help, and redemption

can be found in the most unexpected places

and when you do find it

let it consume you.

let it bloom inside you like a new flower

just rising to see daybreak.

find the hope inside you that was all but destroyed

save for a single, lone, flickering flame.

let it be your beacon

and rise out from your own depths of hell.

yellow-brick road;

what is it that you hide

behind those sad, sad eyes

where is the rhyme to your reason

what have you given up?

though you smile

to cover up the scars

it cannot reach your eyes

forced and without heart.

hiding isn't always the answer

running away will not erase the problems.

it may be painful

it may be hurtful

it may try to belittle and crush

your already cracking soul

but eventually you will turn around

and it will be there waiting for you

confront it and put it in the past.

running backwards will get you nowhere

you have to push through into the future.

your yellow-brick road waits for you.

are you lost;

are you lost?

so am i

let's take the high road together

and walk along the train tracks

it will lead us somewhere.

we'll hold hands and sing silly songs

point to the sky

and make pictures in our minds

using the clouds as our canvas.

we'll stop by an apple tree

go apple-picking

and run for our lives when we are caught

fighting for our lives.

and maybe, just maybe

we will find the end of the world

where our destiny waits with open arms

and sucks us into where our souls belong.

timeline;

timeline

can you remember your own

when the beginning formed

from very miniscule, humble origins

growing gradually

like a slow-paced flower

blossoming, blooming

into the beauty that it is today.

can you remember

the beauty of the moment

the feelings and emotions that overcame

when you had your first kiss

or when you finally graduated university.

can you still recall those days

can you bring them to the forefront of your mind

or are they swimming happily

in an empty sea of grey

oblivious to your desperation to remember.

the mind is a powerful weapon

it can formulate plans and execute strategies

with accurate precision.

it is the mastermind of the world

the coveted tool that can decide and choose

between evil and good.

but what happens when it slowly deteriorates

the neurons slowly suffocating, dying.

confusion, bewilderment, and depression

an ugly black hole of frustrated emotions

which only seems to be growing larger and larger.

and then, the fighting emotions themselves cease to battle

the war slowly comes to an end

replacing the torn battlefield

with an open landscape

of peace and simplicity.

this is

when the mind slowly succumbs

to genetic deficits and faulty wiring

when people become 'old and senile'

normal and expected in today's society.

but maybe it is something deeper

it has many names and many perceptions

but the failing mind is still the same constant.

so don't ever forget

live life to the fullest

don't ever stop looking forward

so that you would not have regretted anything

if the clock finally starts ticking backwards.

believe;

i think i am finally finding my place

even though i may sometimes have doubts

i have thought more about you

than i ever had in my lifetime.

sometimes i still look in the mirror

and wonder to myself

what and who do i believe?

deep down, i realize

i have been calling to you

whenever i seemed to need it.

even though i scorned you

and discredited you.

but i was only trying to find my place

and i think you understand that.

i still feel weird

even right this moment.

but maybe i can be content

as can you

in knowing that i do believe

but maybe not in the same way

as everyone else.

white christmas;

white christmas

beautiful cascade of soft snow

that falls gently on the ground

slowly creating a winter wonderland

however small it may be

in comparison to the blizzards of the north.

in the dark

light reflects of the white

tall naked trees

that glitter like diamonds

as headlights shines upon iced branches.

footprints on the ground

a scar on the painted floor

but still just as beautiful.

thank you for bringing such beauty

on a special day.

myself and many others

will remember it for years to come.

i will make it mine;

you're almost over

and quite frankly

you were a pain

a thorn in my side.

i won't regret saying goodbye

except for the fact

that i will be just a little older

and a little wiser as well.

2010, i bid thee farewell.

i will welcome the next year

with open arms

because i just taste it now

i can just barely wrap my arms around it.

i can feel it in me

that it will be a great year.

i won't let anything bring it down

i will let it shine for me.

everything i want and more

will finally be realized in 2011.

it will be my year

it will be one i add to my very small list.

but i will make it mine.

hard to find;

why are you so hard to find?

not that i want to, really

but my curiosity craves to be sated

just to know where you are in life

and know i have fared just well

without you.

so many things i would like to say

and they burn at my core.

but how can i

when you have seemingly fallen

off the face of the earth?

maybe it is a good thing

it still gnaws

but i think i can live another twenty

just as i have been.

inevitable;

it was inevitable

happening once again.

of course

we know whose fault it was.

never any question to it.

how does it always end this way?

plans never fully come to the surface

drowning somewhere deep beneath the ocean.

never to see even the sliver of light.

quite disheartening

but who else is to blame?

i want to travel to a world;

i want to travel to a world

where technology does not exist

and nature is in domination

a peaceful but firm dictator.

everything that exists today

humanity has become ridiculously

dependent.

how ever better it makes our lives

it also crushes what makes us strong.

the survival of the fittest

would undoubtedly be put to the test

if we were scooped up

and dropped in the middle of nowhere.

without electricity

cellphones, television

and the internet.

the age of information serves in so many ways

but when it is gone

how would we survive?

how long would we last?

aching nostalgia;

oh this aching nostalgia

burning at my chest

eating away at my core

no matter how bittersweet

memory lane may be.

a swarm of unbidden memories

flashing in my mind like on the big screen

a previews of the life to be

and fantasies of what may.

wonderful, beautiful

sadness and sorrow

joy and love

a mix-match of colors

bright and dark collide.

but each memory is portrayed

in such vivid detail

as if it were happening all over again.

things i may have once missed

but slowly taking the back burner.

it threatens to cut through

like a dagger to the heart

a jagged cut in the chest

to pour out everything inside

to let out what was bottled tightly.

where, what, when

no one knows

no one will know

i can keep it buried deep within

the crevice of my consciousness.

like secrets kept behind a hidden door

i can keep everything to myself.

because they are what made me today.

keep running forward;

keep running forward

feet pounding on the dirt ground

don't look back

and maybe it will disappear.

the cold shadow that creep behind

steadily gaining

distance shortening

between it and sanctuary.

almost there

keep going, keep going

don't miss a beat in the feet

keep it steady

and keep going.

just do it;

what to do, what to do

being pulled again.

come on, come on

make a decision

it's not the end.

go through with it

don't back out

just do it, just do it.

changes;

changes

an inevitable process

the embodiment of evolution.

the exploration for something

better than current

opening new horizons

to our daily life.

rebellion and resistance

to be expected, of course

but eventually conformity

will spread across the people.

unite rather than fight

immerse rather than float

change can be good.

give it a chance.

lazy mornings;

lazy mornings
snuggled under the covers
a warm sanctuary against the cold winter.

beep beep beep

sounds the alarm

a quick tap of snooze

silences it for another blissful

ten minutes.

bright sunlight seeps in between the blinds

dancing like little ballerinas

on the opposite walls.

lazy lazy mornings

time to close the eyes

and drift away to dreams.

little bookworm;

little bookworm

seeking solace in books and knowledge

the library as a second home

almost ornamental.

wide brown eyes

color of mud

but beautifully illuminated

at the very thought of learning.

the target of pranks and jokes

for eccentric behavior.

but a beacon of hope to others.

when all is said and done

and they are all at the front of battle

can they recall upon their education to fight?

inside your eyes;

inside your eyes

i can see another world

a place that you call home

where very few are privy.

the eyes are the windows to the soul

so they say.

i look now to see

such beauty barely shining through

the storm of troubled doubts.

you're lovely.

even if you are not told

very often.

you may be the bane of someone's existence

or the only reason for living to another.

either way.

be confident

stand proud

you are you.

death, is a scary journey;

death, is a scary journey

however inevitable it may be

the concept of after

sometimes difficult to fathom

and differs for each individual.

you couldn't escape death's waiting embrace

as you struggled to survive

your body's basic instincts in overdrive.

but when you finally

and hopefully willingly

let go of your grasp to life

and sink into death's chest

remember everything you have ever loved

for it will be you beacon to the other side

whatever and wherever that may be.

the love of your family and friends

will create the pathway to your destination.

all your hopes and dreams of the life left behind

will be your shining stars in the black night.

and when you reach the end

of the journey from life to death

here your soul may rest

peacefully and contently

until you can be reunited

with everyone you let into your life

and those who let you into theirs.

guilt-ridden road;

your memory serves as a good trip

down a guilt-ridden road

even though i know it is not my fault

it cannot be.

a whisper of a memory

brings upon a powerful clash

i feel like i am being pulled apart

several directions

my heart cannot take it.

when i think about you

i want to slap myself

and i scream inside

why do i spare you a single thought?

what have you done for me

after all these years?

nothing.

simple as that.

nothing.

and still, i cannot help it

i wonder and ponder

i try to picture how it might and could have been

but it is futile.

and i have to stop living in the past

the present fantasy

and the future that could never be.

this is not the first time

nor the very last.

but moving forward is the only way

that i can ever be free.

open your eyes;

open up your eyes

you've kept them closed

long enough.

the years that you wished to forget

the pain, the horror

the pure evil that stained your world.

it is no more

he is dead

and his minions are locked away

forever.

it's okay now

the world has slowly righten itself

it is safe as it will ever be.

so open your eyes

it's time to wake up

and live once more.

why must you haunt me so;

why must you haunt me so?

you're all around me

and i cannot seem to escape

that beautiful smile of yours

and twinkle in your eyes.

is this my punishment?

my damnation and hell?

songs;

hearing songs

they bring out the best

and worst in memories.

a lost relative

stolen love

and happy days.

an array of emotions

overcomes with every note.

the years gone by

remembered by a whisper

a song that comes on the radio

or ipod player

set on shuffle.

all the hopes

all the regrets

all the tears

and all the smiles

is there any regret?

people cannot live in the past

mulling over things that once were

or might have been.

it's time to look toward the future.

up and down;

up and down

constantly

like an elevator ride

from heaven to hell

and back again.

repetitive and never ending

a boring existence

the same scenery

the same memories

the same everything.

forgetting your name;

forgetting your name

lost, slipped out of the mind

possibly forever gone.

maybe it wasn't important anyway.

concentration is overrated;

concentration is overrated

it is something obviously absent

in my own complex mind.

mumbo jumbo

it's all that is being read

nothing making any sense

even though research as proven it so.

distractions abounding

creeping out from every corner

determined to draw the mind

away from the task

most desperately required at hand.

go away, go away

focus, focus

this has to be done.

faces of the past;

like crystals

they glisten in the sunlight

bouncing off jovial rays

of multicolored lights

miniature rainbows.

these are the faces of the past

those who we have met

and those who we cannot remember.

and still they are with us

always watching

always looming over our shoulders

seeing what we see

thinking what we think.

we never know their names

we cannot remember their voices

but still they speak to us

not through words

but through the heart.

prepackaged;

go to the store, he said
and pick me up a bottle
of happiness
i hope they haven't run out.

a world devoid of natural feelings
black and white emotions
and any deviation
they have to pay for it.

wanting a one night stand?
an ounce of lust and some condoms
will do the trick
plus a willing partner.

feeling a little under the weather?
nothing better than a revitalizing cocktail
of happiness and hope
to brighten the days
(oh, no color there either).

outsiders view this mysterious world
how is it that these people live?
having no direction of their own
everything prepackaged and convenient.

it's not the way
life should be lived.

dandelion seeds;

close your eyes
make a wish
and blow the seeds away.

fragments of your thought
they carry it across
who listens to these dreams
who will grant your wish?

some are scattered and lost
others merrily float
oblivious to its surroundings
fulfilling its one and only purpose.

dandelion seeds
magical rituals
who will they reach?

autumn trails;

walk along autumn trails
steps clouded in light fog
leaves falling like snow
barely brushing upon the shoulders.

the crisp cool breeze
not too hot, not too cold
just right, said goldilocks.
a quiet place to contemplate
of whatever swims in the mind.

little critters and creatures
twittering and fluttering
a musical symphony accompaniment
to the rusting of shivering trees.

an earth trodden path
walked upon many, many times
seeing many, many individuals
each with their own story.

and now it is our turn
what mark will we leave?

little red balloon;

little red balloon
floating up in the sky
free and unhindered
unwilling released.

little red balloon
not helium filled
but with childhood memories
times far in the past
little specks of grain
glistening in morning sunlight.

hopes and dreams for the future unseen
precariously spanning the world
up, up, up it goes
higher and higher and higher.

whose little red balloon
is floating in the sky
catching the breeze for a faster ride
telescoping all below.

whose little red balloon
is far out of grasp
containing everything dear
the foundations of their life.

who else sees this little red balloon
baring to all like a birthday suit
no confines or covers
with which to shield itself.

little red balloon
where will you go?
little red balloon
when you pop
what will your memories be?

it was all in our mind;

it was me and it was you
we took a look at the view
and said
let's get away from here

and so we decided to take flight
floating above mountain skies
up so very high
up so very high

but we
never fell down from where we were
and we
could forget the things
that never mattered anyway

and so we decided to take flight
soaring above the sea so blue
we can almost taste the sight
of salty water grains

from here to there
we cyber-jumped from every point
taking in what we only read in books
our own fairy tale

and in the end we opened our eyes
to see that we didn't actually move
it was all in our mind
it was all in our mind.

god;

god
i used to believe in you
and then i didn't for a long time.
but now i am hanging in limbo.
i don't know who you are yet
i am slowly figuring it out
but i still have my doubts.

when in desperation
i call out to you
when i need someone to talk to
i seek you out.
but i still can't work it.

my mind and heart are at a cross-section
a fork in the road, if you will.
from a purely science point-of-view
you cannot possibly exist
as all phenomena can be evaluated
in black and white.
natural disasters do not befall humanity
because of a god's anger and displeasure.
it can be explained in scientific terms.

and let's not get started
on how old the earth is.

but from a spiritual standpoint
someone has to exist.
but there are many religions to choose from
and the question is, which is the right one?
aren't they all right, if only to have something to believe?

and if we are the product of a higher being
and we carry out their will
doesn't my indecision and uncertainty
stem from said higher being?
and wouldn't it mean
that atheists are atheists
because god made them so?

as you can see, god
whoever you may be
whatever you may be
this has made me run around in circles
my thoughts jumbled and in disarray
in trying to decipher the hieroglyphics.

but in the end
it is my own choice
as to who i believe you to be.
would it be wrong for me to make you up
and to mold you into how i think god should be?
or is that itself heresy
and must i pick one and only one
to base my faith upon that alone?

i do not know what to do
you really can be confusing.

look around at the world;

look around at the world
so vast the landscape is
topped with ice-capped mountains
and deep bottomless seas.

mountain ranges have had fifty million years to develop
and us, our human life-span stretches only seventy four years.

what does that make us?

we believe to rule the world
superior to any other living creature
which walks the planet.
the world is for our taking
and we relentlessly plow her resources
draining every last drop
until there is nothing left.

earth, before it was called earth
was around for many, many years
infinity is seems
compared to time as we know it.

history has made a mark
sometimes remembered, other times not.
but still, even that goes back
only a few seconds.

how insignificant our lives must be
in the eyes of the sun.
does the earth laugh at great discoveries
we appear to make?

it can all be gone in one-split-second
and all can be lost.
maybe earth has a plan for us
to exterminate the species that threaten her core.

a lonely little parasite that might be our demise
or a treacherous storm to drown us all.
and maybe after we are long gone
when all technology and destruction comes to a halt
earth will begin to rebuild itself
to foster that beautiful landscape we haphazardly destroyed
and renew its gloriousness.

and will we be allowed back, after another few million years pass?
or will we be completely lost in time
never again to come to existence?

maybe perhaps we will.
maybe we have already come back from eons before.
maybe this is a never ending cycle.
and maybe history will continue to repeat itself
over and over again.

the sun, it rises;

the sun, it rises
the same way it has
for many, many years

except for rainy mornings
with the dark clouds taking
the spotlight.

it is an ever constant presence
look up to the sky
and you will always find it.

even in the dark of night
the stars still glow brightly
the lighthouse to empty seas.

magnificent and brilliantly gigantic
in comparison to our small planet
but from afar and in solitude
it is a massive sphere of fire.

but still, even when the world is devoid of life
the sun will still make it marks
to announce the arrival of dawn
over and over again.

hold on strong;

hold on strong
it is all that you can do now
even when the world around you
crumbles to the ground.

evil lurks behind every corner
it watches the steps you take
and the dreams you make
infiltrating them to frighten you
and to make you succumb to its clutches.

you must always be on your guard
never let it falter
it may be the last thing you do
before you are taken over.

the light burns dimly
grows ever so slowly
but surely brightening
until it becomes a beacon of hope
a shining future to encapsulate
and shield the world
from those who live to harm.

let your heart grow stronger
and you can surpass the darkest of omens
to arise victorious
and end the black age of fear.

expendable life;

expendable life
no, there is no such thing.

each is precious
and worth the world to someone.
they are the apple of someone's eye
their hearts beat just as strong.

they should never be forgotten
especially by those who love them
even if the rest of the world fails to see.

show respect and be courteous
they are just like us.

heaven's eternity;

watching the world from above
the people going on with their daily lives
so close and yet so far away
almost able to touch them
but considered nonexistent.

all those years gone
the future she never had
the first kiss she would always miss
children and grandchildren she would never see.

stolen forever
lost in time
just a memory in the past
of a history spanning millions
just a drop in the ocean
a lonely star in the universe.

she never did choose this path
it just happened
out of her control
instigated by the one person nobody would suspect
until the end.

but in her little world
though separated from all she loved
peace and happiness was found
a calm serenity that envelops her
where no harm could triumph.

in her little heaven she could spend eternity.

stoplight;

stoplight
with blinking colors
red, yellow, green
the staple for the road
like christmas tree lights
twinkling in the night.

i want to kiss your lips;

i want to kiss your lips
and memorize the contours of your face
every sparkle in your eye
every freckle on your nose
so that i won't forget until the day i die.

constant reassurance;

i'm sorry to keep on asking
but it's a need for constant reassurance
to know that i am doing the right thing
that i haven't screwed up somewhere along the way.

but the decisions that i make
are they really the best ones?
or were there better ones hidden away
obscure but plain as day?

i can't help it
maybe it's an underlying psychiatric disorder
that prompts me to question as i do
to second guess myself time and time again
and pray fervently that it was the right choice.

a step;

it's a step that's hard to take
the first one out of the comfort zone
to discover the unknown
and pave a new yellow-brick road.

downsize;

it's just a downsize
but it feels like ripping at the soul
it's falling into place
but without feeling that ache.

always replaceable later on
but in the present
feeling empty.

down the drain it seems to go
dragging along the memories
until they disappear from sight
to only be relived in the mind.

gotta look forward to the future
and rebuild it once again.

alone;

she sits there
in a room full of people
friends, acquaintances and strangers
but they are just a blur.

outside, she appears nonchalant
cool, calm, and normal
but inside
no one can see the turmoil
she screaming, crying, dying
she's banging on the walls of her prison
and no one can hear her.

for months it rages on
but the origin she knows not
only that it haunts her
sending her to the very edge of her sanity.
self-manipulation brings comfort
if only for a moment
for just a little while.

but she is a coward
as she cannot take that first step
to descend downward to empty oblivion.

but still no one hears
not even those whom she holds dear
no one, no one

she suffers alone.

autumn;

the presence of autumn has finally arrived
the cool crisp breeze cuts through welcomingly
the crunching of colorful leaves beneath our feet
like music to the soul.

the pumpkin patches spring
apple cinnamon cider
and all the memories from years ago
begin to come to life once more.

the days get shorter, cooler
the nights get longer, colder
tree covered mountains boast
a rainbow that lasts the season.

this is the perfect intermission
between hot summer days and cold winter nights
the just-right weather for a light sweater
where pleasant daydreams are the staple.

hope, dream;

to hope and to dream
of many things that could never by
and everything that is
right here, right now.

we hopelessly lose ourselves in daydreams
trying to work out the universe we live in
so much that we spiral out of control
and lose touch on what is real.

we have to put away the dreams of our hopes
fantasy can only go so far before reality kicks in
the present is what we must live for
so that we can look forward to our future.

just live;

such a coward
can't even take the final plunge
stupid, idiotic fascinations
but can't even pursue.

so what's the point
don't even think about it
if you are so scared
why bother dreaming?

just relax and enjoy
don't end it too quick
it isn't worth it
just live.

we walked on clouds;

we walked on clouds
once upon a time
catching shooting stars
stopping them in midair
as they flew us by.

we watched the world beneath us
miniscule life forms to us
but everything to them.

we danced on the moon
saturn too
relishing our private playground
with the sun and black holes as our backdrop.

and at the end of the day
we curled up to sleep
cocooned in our very own star
to brightly shine upon the world at night.

lost thoughts;

i can't remember what i wanted to say
my thoughts have grown wings and flown away
i try to recall that single thought
hidden, obscure and completely lost.

it's an awkward moment
a pregnant pause to cement
engraved forever in time
where did it go, come let it shine.

thirteen fourteen years ago;

thirteen almost fourteen years ago
but i would like to say
forgive her, she couldn't understand
she was trying to live the day by day.

maybe something could have blossomed
but the time she could not sacrifice
the need to survive so instilled
that was enough to suffice.

in retrospect i reflect
perhaps you would have been good
things may have progressed further
had she not be so focused on home and food.

i hope the years have been kind to you
as you were to us long ago
i wish you well on the rest of your life
though what i write, you will never know.

thank you;

thank you for the freedom
thank you for the break of ties
thank you for the divorce
i think i came out just fine.

you chose your path
and maybe i became a stronger person
a better person than i could have been
had you stuck around longer.

yes times were hard
so many things i want to say
but may it be a peace of mind
that i never did stray.

shh;

shh
just, just
stop.
you're getting ahead of yourself
like you always did.

your racing thoughts
halt them
and just pause.
listen with your heart
and not with your mind.

always worried
ulcers sure to abound
lower the cortisol
calm it down.

take it slowly, slowly, slowly
it's not a race to the finish line
slow and easy does it
and from there your treasure you will find.

it's over again;

it's over again
you say it isn't true
but still can you deny
even after what you've been through

don't waste your breath
just turn your body away
keep on walking
don't look back another day

stop, wipe away your tears
dry off your wet cheeks
stop the faucet of pain
close it up, don't let it leak

the sun has come out again
your constant waking star
it will always find you
no matter where you are

start again;

start again from the beginning
where were the origins
where did it birth?

you're chattering away
but put on the brakes
slow down, slow down
don't get caught in the moment
remember your place.

hold you thoughts
and hold your breaths
think about it, think about it
do you really understand
do you really?

hanging from the ceiling;

hanging from the ceiling upside down
looking at the world
from another round
different perspectives
i think i can see from your eyes now.

hard to work out the calculations
the math so confusing, jumbled
scrambled eggs
and talking french to me.

you tell me all these things
can i ever trust you
do your words ring with truth
or are they polluted with lies.

it's hard to make decisions
choices abound
what will be found
can i make it right
or will it all be for naught?

secrets and dreams;

sometimes you pluck at the strings of your guitar
singing a nonexistent song in your native tongue
of nonsense words and phrased out lore
of stories weaved in through time.

and step by step you take the walk
from end to end the trip you embark
to contemplate and wonder in your little mind
searching for the thing you cannot find.

whisper to the wind of all your secrets
dance to the rhythm of your heart
whisper to the sea of all your dreams
dance to the beat of your hopes.

travel to the other side of the world
open up your mind, find in everything a pearl
a treasure that you cannot deny
a treasure that you must fortify.

wonder what the world would be like
if this and that and what ifs and could be
of everything that we wish we could predict
but guess we must leave it up to destiny.

tell me of the days that you were young
tell me of the years that you treasured for so, so long
tell me of all the things you never did do
tell me
tell me
tell me

whisper to the wind of all your secrets
dance to the rhythm of your heart
whisper to the sea of all your dreams
dance to the beat of your hopes.

of your hopes, of your heart
all your secrets, all your dreams.

buzz, buzz, buzz;

buzz, buzz, buzz
a deadly attraction
the luminescent glow
so bright and joyful
such trickery
manipulative to meet its needs

curiosity killed the cat
so they say
unknowingly speaking the truth
for those who are helpless and naive

the luring of the innocent
impending destruction of purity
cruel and arrogantly aggressive
self-centered and merciless
the only way to survive
but taking pleasure of every moment

so long ago;

staring at the pictures
the memories from so long ago
colors are faded
but the joy still remains
embedded in photos forever.

outdated, but still precious
fashion from a lifetime ago
completely laughable now
but of course it will be the same
ten years from now.

so many years ago
and yet seems like yesterday
still remembering the taking of the photos
the laughter and happiness
that radiates from our grinning cheeks.

so precious, so dear
so much to love
forever treasured.

asleep and sucking her thumb;

asleep and sucking her thumb
poor little child
far too small for the bed
so large in comparison
despite brightly colored blankets.

tubes and wires abound
attached here and there
little machines that make sounds
somewhat oddly comforting.

this shouldn't happen
it is surreal and unnatural
it goes against nature.

but all we can do is hope
and pray, and wish fervently
for the end of such strife.

so much;

so much to learn
so much to do
cramming it all in
filling it to the brim
when will it overflow?

page after page
word after word
it never seems to end
and it is only the beginning.

is it over yet
when will it disappear?
is it time to close it
when will it be goodbye?

daydreaming it away;

daydreaming it away
lost, gone, fallen
from the high branch from she sat
blissfully aware
of reality.

little world, alone
planting flowers
and singing songs
like a cloud in july
content in solitude.

caress of breezes
that dance playfully among the trees
sending autumn leaves rustling
swirling
to the ground they gently land.

crunch, crunch
a musical symphony of crackles
feet treading the earth and fallen branches
as she wanders in her reverie.

butterfly;

butter
flutter flutter
fly

colorful wings
brightening the sky

flapping happily
this way and that

in the moment
forever to last.

it is time to wake up;

waking up before the dawn
the early morning rising
kissing the world with sunlight
a gentle caress to awaken
sleepy inhabitants.

darkness running away
fleeing for sanctuary
to the other side of the world.
morning floods every crevice
a battle it quickly triumphs.

the groggy remnants of sleep
slowly seeping from pillowed heads
dissipating into nothing.

crinkled eyes from bright light
giant yawns and stretched out arms
bodily stretch more than their height
it is time to wake up
it is time to wake up.

the music calms and soothes;

the music calms and soothes the wounds
notes treading softly over burnt flesh
singing a little melody to heal
like phoenix tears
whispering sweet nothings.

a sleepy swaying in the song
overcoming senses, numbing and warm
nestled in embrace
a lullaby of gentle waves.

the pool of problems dissipates
evaporating into darkness
giving back the light it took
as the music finally begins to peak.

dear me;

dear me
buckle up and get ready
prepare for take off
at the count of three.

it's time, it's time
to shift between the lines
to find the rhymes of my life
new ones are needed now.

stand up straight and confident
quell the quaking and the shaking
pull my own weight to set
it's time to move forward
no matter how bent out of shape.

it's done, it's over;

it's done, it's over
it's begun again.

it's started once more
a repetitive state
never-ending it seems.

exhausted beyond belief
whacked out senses
trying to get back
into the groove
that it was once so used to.

such a hiatus is never so good
ridiculously impossible to recover.

can't we just live in blissful ignorance?

thunder, thunder;

thunder, thunder
rolling in the distance
a symphony of crashes
growing closer with every sound.

it rumbles and gently roars
soothing to the mind and soul
a personal lullaby
that lulls one to the dream world.

a calming caress
that brings upon a sense of peace.

old, wrinkled, and wise

old, wrinkled, and wise
seemingly grandfatherly in many ways
but behind those half-mooned spectacles
lay a warrior
a mastermind at battle tactics.

however caring and gentle he may appear
he was a ruthless commander in the face of war
sacrificing many, people and beliefs
for the sake of the greater good.

but in the end
was he really that much different?
or was he exactly the same?

silly little girl

silly little girl
nose forever stuck in books
a seemingly permanent smudge of ink
etched on the apple of her cheek.

despite the resident bookworm status
she was aware of far more important things.

love.

for her parents, her friends, and her belief.
time and time again she endured the hatefulness
of bigots believing her to be nothing better
than dirt.

an abomination to a select few
a hero to some
but the world to everyone else.

scared, no, terrified;

scared, no, terrified
of what was to come
feeling so alone
yet surrounded by many
enveloped in an atmosphere of love.

destiny's plans already set out
he, merely a pawn in the game of the gods
gods who laughed at him to their own entertainment.

but of course
the gods were not as merciless
as victory became his
and finally his life his own.

so clumsy and lanky;

so clumsy and lanky
with a shock of red hair and scattered freckles
a crooked grin
but the eyes, oh the eyes
filled with life, joy
so alive.

fierce loyalty that cannot be surpassed
and though the mouth cannot hold back what the mind screams
the heart is the most important part
bleeding courage and righteousness
as it always was supposed to.

secret memory;

who left you there alone
weak and broken, bloodied and tattered
your mind invaded and your will manipulated

forced of course.

what did they find in your little mind
so repulsive for you to pay the crime
of tortures that they committed

the ones you once trusted.

and now, after all is done and over
when you are once again your own
was it worth it?
that secret memory you held so dear.

they betrayed and tore you apart.

trying to find that perfect escape;

trying to find that perfect escape
to shut out the word and its cruelties
and to relish in complete silence
that only solitude can offer.

chaos interferes with even a nominal existence
the burdens weighing down like heavy bricks
threatening to crush the shoulders
of the unfortunate person keeping them up.

closing the eyes and shutting the ears
can only go so far
before that barrier is broken
and everything comes crashing in.

alice, alice...;

alice, alice...
...run, run
fall through the rabbit hole
to a place where dreams come alive
and fantasy becomes reality.
don't look back, just keep on walking
and let imagination take flight.

morning;

the fresh aroma of coffee brewing
on a crisp fall morning
with a cool, almost chilling breeze
awakening the scenes for a new day.

the conflict between a hot cup
and the cold outside air
stirs up rapidly with a spoon
warmth and comfort becoming
the obvious victor within the body.

the sun will barely tip the peaks of the mountains
peeking almost shyly at the the world below
chasing away the moonlit skies
to bravely shine with all its might.

the dark, black sky will fade to grey
and slowly, gently tint the sky deep blue and pink
gracing the world with a beautiful scene
which only few can truly appreciate.

and it is within these mornings that one can contemplate
where one can find inner peace as the world awakes
to start off fresh before the new day
and it live it out the very fullest.

the time draws nearer;

the time draws nearer
when heaven and hell prepare for battle
to bring their forces to the middle
and fight in the name of good and evil.

will angels and demons only grace the field
or will humanity have to partake
in ethereal warfare
and hope to come out alive in the end?

what sort of magic will be brewing
as compatible as fire and ice
to concoct a thunderous storm
lightening illuminating
the war of ages?

maybe it will never cease to be planned
maybe the world will be left alone
to its own dangerous devices.
perhaps our ethereal beings will lay to rest
to let us live in peace
even if we must succumb to our sins.

the summer is dying;

the summer is dying
and we're going to have to face the music
to walk down the isle with many eyes
only to have our worst dreams realized.

unlike what others sing
our parallel thoughts eventually merging
to one focal point
of simply stopping time
to live in the moment.

but as all good things must come to an end
so does the summer we relish in
allowing the sun to swell
and eventually burst
our unconstricted freedom.

schedules and books and coffee
will once again don the breaking of the day
fresh, and new to start
but still unwilling to wake up
from the comforts of our lazy bed.

treasure box;

a treasure box
filled with sentimental nothings
collected over the years
bringing forth buried memories.

a movie theatre ticket
titled this month, this day
five years ago
a first date plus a friend
at eleven forty five a.m.

a unicorn bookmark
given by a dear friend in fifth grade
a friend that drifted away in time
but still holding a special place in my heart.

a handmade origami christmas card
from a friend still in contact
since sixth grade.

a monologue of cinderella's ugly stepsister
performed in front of peers
sixth or seventh grade
still remembering the inflections in the voice.

photos from two-thousand-and-three
seven years in the past
nights and days spent with friends
bonding over christmas cookies.

and so many more trinkets to go
each and every single memento
remembering when it occurred
and the feelings that coursed through my veins.

i can remember it all
and i never wish to forget.

snapshot;

snapshot
frozen in time
to reflect years from now
old memories held close to home
my heart.

marriage;

marriage
commitment bound
to love and to cherish
to protect and share in burdens
lifetime.

lovely;

lovely
beauty surpassed
not outside, but the soul
breathing fresh life into long days
renew.

defunct;

defunct
dead, lifeless, gone
forever lost in time
memory fading from the mind
forget.

and still i check;

i know it's futile, really
clicking at the tabs
hoping something will appear
as if by magic
and put my insane curiosity
at ease.

but of course, nothing
nothing illuminates the screen
nothing sparks excitement
only bitter disappointment
at being thwarted
time and time again.

and still i check
repeatedly, constantly
that craving deep within me
needing, wanting reassurance and satisfaction
even though it knows it will gain neither.

and still i check, and still i check.

wouldn't tell;

i held you in my dreams
hugging you so tightly
i was afraid i'd break your bones
of your already fragile frame.

what had happened to you
wasted away, skin and bones
with haunting, hollow eyes
devoid of any spark of hope.

you wouldn't tell me.

i asked you if you wanted to talk
you flashed me a forced smile
commenting in the negative.
i asked you if you wanted help
and got the same response.

but you were tormented
i could see it in the lines on your face
the way you trembled in my arms
unless it was just from exhaustion

you wouldn't tell me.

i felt the lack of hope reflected in your eyes
and wanted so desperately to take away your pain
who or what caused your desolate state

you wouldn't tell me.

either to protect yourself from suppressed memories
or to spare me the horrors of your tribulations
you wouldn't tell me.

you wouldn't whisper a single word.

hush now;

hush now
dry your wet eyes
tears do not become you
fight the sorrow and go take back
your life.

memory lingers;

it is haunting, the way your memory lingers
gently, sweetly - like day old cologne.
it caresses my soul when you are gone
giving me that spark of hope
the flame that never quite dies
no matter the years gone by.

i can no longer picture your face
it is a fuzzy outline, blurred by color
indistinguishable from the next.
but still, it is my brightest memory
crystal clear as a wine glass.

and so, it is my most cherished.

balloon;

a helium inflated balloon
bobbing happily against the string
that tethers it to the ground
strong and sound
not letting it go
anywhere.

mobile but stationary, dancing along a tune
sung by the movements of the wind
a musical symphony
that flutters through leaves on a tree.

a little air-head, literally
unable to focus on anything but
its current state of bliss.

i want to;

i want to climb the highest mountain tops
exhilarated, breathless
and scream at the top of my lungs
letting out every sorrow and every joy
just to release them free on their journey.

i want to swim across the deepest ocean
twice as fast as lightening
feeling the icy splashes numb
to appreciate every sensation taken for granted.

i want to fly to the heavens
past the clouds and the burning sun
so that i have an excuse
to fall right into your waiting embrace.

snap, snap;

snap, snap
like a polaroid picture
capturing the moment
still-life dreams
immortalized.

a jewel, drop in the ocean
a hidden treasure, coveted
lost in the winds
buried long ago
in the sand.

playing hide-and-seek
with memories found
to life the picture comes
brightening stormy skies.

shining beacon;

you came to me in a nightmare
my shining beacon amongst
a world of terror gleaming.

a golden light that bathed you
emitting a comfort unheard of
your illuminating figure
brightening up the darkest of fears.

my savior where hope was lost
my guide to the world of consciousness
you led me out, you lifted me up
and the veil of sleep which smothered me
dissipated with your farewell.

a cup of insanity;

sip it slowly, carefully
relish in the sweet aroma
a cup of insanity
a new swirl of tea
custom-made for your palate.

the devilish little smirk
gently kissing the corner of your lips
as you contemplate and brood
of whatever musings gallop in your mind.

the hot warmth spreading through your palms
fingertips alight with fire
soaking away the heat
into your slowly melting heart.

closing the eyes to enhance the senses
listening, breathing, tasting
of a victory not yet won
except perhaps only in the mind.

second chance;

a hint of guilt
with a dash of sorrow
and a cupful of regret
mix it up, shake it out
fertilize your dying garden.

twiddling thumbs
a nervous heart shaking
a calm facade setting
on the tear-stained cheeks
meticulously disguised beneath foundation.

what to do, to mend the wrongs
the wounds opened up and exposed
microbial infestations
gnawing at the edges of the soul.

is there a possibility
for redemption
and a second chance.
a lost opportunity
that faded weeks ago
will it, can it
be resurfaced?

let it out;

let it out
she did shout
scream, cry, and die.

throw the temper
break the wards
shred the jumper
spilling filthy words.

bottled up no more
losing grip on the door
falling down to sweet ground
kissing the blessed floor.

thank you, thank you
released from demons
far past their due

close the eyes
time to sleep
drifting to a dream to keep
lured by lullabies.

those dreams again;

last night was filled with those dreams again
of being pursued and marked for conquer
and the ever-lingering idiocy
that surely cannot exist in reality.

it was almost exciting
in a weird, twisted way
fighting for my life
and yet knowing i would survive.

because it was only a dream.

skip a hop on every star;

skip a hop on every star
hand in hand to where you are
so very high above the world
a lovely sight to behold.

close the mouth and open the mind
around the sun we shall ride
tell the stories of the ages
it is all within perspective pages.

always hungry for the unknown
always conquering, as history has shown
watch the beauty from afar
a memorizing beacon, twinkling star.

love-hate relationship;

ugh, it's you again, huh?
well, come on in
and make yourself comfortable

i know you won't be going for a minute

it's a love-hate relationship
always desperate for the other
and yet when coming face-to-face
finding it's presence discomforting
and annoying

but still
every time we meet
there is a spark of hope and happiness
even for just a moment
before it dissipates
until the next time

add add add;

add add add
it's just a popularity contest
like high school prom king and queen
who will get the titles?
who is the most famous?

how many of those can you truly call upon
when you are falling so far down
that you need an army to lift you up.

like memories
we have lived through millions
but which are the ones
will we remember on our deathbeds?

harry potter and graduation;

so i have come to realize
the very last installment to harry potter
the very last film
will come out the year i graduate college.

it is surreal, really
finally, the adventure coming to a complete end.
and it holds more symbolic meaning to me
than anything else ever had.

harry potter comes to an end in july 2011
and i will graduate from college august 2011.
it is like a sign, to leave behind childhood
to close a chapter of my life i held so dear
to pave the way to a new future
taking my first real step into the adult world.

day-by-day;

what am i living for?
it seems like a day-by-day
not really looking forward
but simply living in the moment.

but count the days that passed
the years now only memories
beginning to fade in the distance of time.

what is the purpose?
it seems surreal to see
that more than half the year
has faded away.

i feel stuck in place
glued to the ground
and unable to move my feet
forward.

the perfect image;

i've concocted the perfect image
the highest standard attainable
and it is sitting vacant
waiting for the one to fill its place.

waiting waiting waiting
patient and impatiently
just hanging around
until the moment where
everything falls into place.

time crawls by slowly
but still it stands strong
vigilant
holding its ground until
the dust is finally blown off.

grumble;

grumble grumble grumble
time to satisfy this natural calling
and then maybe i can focus
on what needs tending.

i am decorating my mind;

i am decorating my mind
filling the grey walls with books
pushing a comfy aubergine chair into the corner
right next to window that spans wide
doubling what is my fourth wall.

i am decorating my mind
and beyond the window lies
an outside world that is almost always
shining with brilliant sunlight
with fluffy white clouds scattered
among a sea of ocean-blue skies.

i am decorating my mind
hanging canvas paintings of cities
so life-like, one must double-take
and looking closely, every pixel is a memory
which has formed in my life-time.

i am decorating my mind
because it is my sanctuary
a place that i can retreat to in the darkest of times
the one escape that is my own
that no one can ever destroy.

rolling thunder;

a rolling thunder outside
no rain, no lightening
just a semi-calm sound
soothing and non-threatening.

a peaceful atmosphere
amidst a brewing storm
perhaps it is the eye
or maybe its typical temperament.

but no matter
this continuous roll that does not deviate
to stark silence or treacherous screams
we can continue to bathe in its lullaby.

make up my mind;

i guess i can make up my mind now
and stop beating around the bush
maybe now i can start something
that hopefully is not too late

what exactly had i been waiting for?
what did i finally lose?

even though it was never mine to begin with

it feels as if a balloon has burst;

it feels as if a balloon has burst
spilling an icy cold on my insides
stopping my heart and my breath
as the pain begins to escalate

i should have expected it
i really did know, deep down inside
but even so, it aches and it burns

but now, maybe it won't be so bad
anymore

maybe it will turn away and crawl back
hiding from the view of the world
that it was invisible to anyway

there's a bridge between us;

there's a bridge between us
that is seemingly growing longer
stretching out for what seems like miles
and i am not sure how we can meet
halfway.

the love between is there, true
but aside from genetics
we seem like polite strangers
no matter how much we beat around the bush.

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to change it anymore
i don't exactly want to give up
but what is there to do?

children are vulnerable;

children are vulnerable
and you committed a crime against one.

it is so degrading
that you should not be allowed
to see the beginnings of a new day
ever again.

a little girl is helpless
completely dependent on an adult
and you broke that trust.

you are the epitome of evil.

summer dresses and iced tea;

summer dresses and iced tea
in the heat of a summer's eve
the closing of a beautiful day
a setting sun to fade.

oh well;

huh, so that is how you look now
completely changed, older, much older
not that i can remember what you looked like
many years ago.

so, if you look like that
he must mirror it, if only slightly
i doubt i could even recognize him
anymore.

not my fault, however
it was not my choice
but happened nonetheless.

oh well.

she wants to take a ride;

she wants to take a ride
out on the countryside
with the wind tousling her hair
and the vast sky before her
open and wide.

the other side of the mirror;

how do i get there, she wondered
to the other side of the mirror
an alternate reality and universe
where i once dwelled
in what seemed like a memory from long ago.

i can poke and prod, she said
but it will not give
and there is something
or someone
on the other side
that i want so desperately.

it is really frustrating, she vented
i will go completely mad
if i am to stay where i am
for even a minute longer.

please, please, let me through, she ached
i think i know why
the reason to my beating heart
whenever i think about the other side.

i think i know, i need to go, please.

can you stop haunting me;

can you stop haunting me
my dreams are torture enough
because waking up hurts
as i know it is most definitely
not my reality
nor will it ever be

you and i equate to nothing

fireflies;

fireflies
flickering little lights
twinkling in the darkness
one by one
illuminating.

on the eve on a warm summer day
precariously falling into the traps
of a child's wish
for a living nightlight.

and year after year
summer after summer
they will be back
to foster the dreams
of generations to come.

so innocent;

so innocent
a brain devoid of washing
an empty slate to create
a lack of influence to induce
so vast and beautiful
waiting to be molded.

so young
starting out life only a few months before
a guinea pig to two
learning the ropes to the world
completely dependent.

take your steps slowly
don't rush blindly
try to see the world in multiple views
understand it from another stand
but above all
awaken your potential
and live to your fullest.

beautiful, young, free;

so beautiful
so young
so free
and living in the moment
taking it for granted.

time goes forward
and we are always growing
aging another year
another day
another minute
another second.

we waste away our most precious years
only to look back at it much later
and wondering
what the hell were we thinking?

pyramid;

here
let us try
this once more
maybe, just maybe
it will actually look like
what i am aiming for.
it may not be quite
perfect, but it is
the beginning
to what we
all hope
for.

i almost died;

a painful stitch on the right side
right over the rib
i can feeling the bump
the calcified ridge
from a wound long healed.

why now
after all those years
does the injury ache
subtly, but clear all the same.

it triggers the memories buried deep
of the first time
i almost died.

oh how quickly time flies by;

rifling through the hard drive
an array of photos
reflecting memories as far as five years back

high school
first job
birthdays
outings

every image whispers ghosts from my past

oh how quickly time flies by
and i can picture myself
in another five, ten, or twenty years
repeating the exact same statement

i am feeling disconnected;

i am feeling disconnected
like i am watching the world
from the outside in
wanting to desperately be a part
a corporeal existence.

it is almost disheartening
to seem excluded
like an outsider intruding
on the life never to be my own.

i am even plagued in dreams
by such circumstances and situations.

it is beyond my control
and yet so close
i can almost taste it.

so why can i not be a part of it?

you know--;

you know--
you can say that i am afraid of growing older
that i am afraid of change
change to the world
--my body
--my mind
it is an overwhelming sensation
like dreams of falling.

hard to breath;

hard to breathe
suffocating
like choking on a sour lemon
how to reverse the effects?

feeling pinned down
shackled to the ground
becoming all too familiar with it
unwillingly and inevitably.

it mirrors a cold existence
the happy thoughts and memories
no longer in abundance
but faded like the dust
lost in the spiral of time.

the unsung hero;

forgotten
he was left in the sidelines
the unsung hero
a warrior lost, drowned by his past
his glory shadowed by the chosen one.

nothing could have been successful
nor would freedom have existed
had he not orchestrated the plans of war.

he was a prisoner, a spy, a pawn
two sides of war, two sides of a coin
having to make his stand
on both good and evil
a paradoxical crisis.

he is the one without support
risking his life and dignity
to grovel at the feet of a madman
to do the biding of a conspirator
just to save the world
which turned a blind eye to his torment.
the world that gives nothing
and yet desires everything.

the world believes he should pay
to atone for his past sins
even when circumstances were beyond his control.

every night he goes to bed
shaking from the after-effects of his latest tortures
his body tired and broken
lacerated from the deepest corners of his soul
to his superficial layer of skin.

and yet, he puts himself on the line
time and time again
he sacrifices every comfort he never had
to ensure that the world which scorns his very existence
can live to see another sunrise.

[05/2010]

dreaming about a new tomorrow;

she is dreaming about a new tomorrow
the future that which she can almost taste
the very understanding of knowing
hitching up a level of anticipation
that she can barely contain.

it is like a tune
to which she cannot
stop dancing to.
the rhythm the essence of her soul
her heartbeats her metronome.

slowly but surely
that beautiful dream of hers
will rise along the horizon
to shift from future to present
to become her reality
until it fades into the backdrop
and becomes a wonderful memory of the past.

[05/2010]

i love how a scent;

i love how a scent
can send you hurtling
through the space of time
to a memory buried over the years.

the sounds and the sights
they rush right by, flying, speeding
it is hard to hold on tight
on this gut-wrenching, whirlwind ride.

it is a chain reaction
the connections your neurons create
the scents being your catalyst
your brain filling in the gaps
reviving the puzzle pieces.

and we all hope
that those scents from the ghosts of your past
are pleasant memories
that foster satisfaction and joy
and brighten the darkest of days.

[05/2010]

dreaming of another world;

i am dreaming of another world
so unlike my current reality
where circumstances are only possible
in the imagination of books.

a completely different view
an untouched landscape just waiting
to be conquered.

how could i possibly immerse myself
and stay there forever?

a free man;

and there he stood
an outsider in an alien world
completely naked to those before him
as they scrutinized his sincerity.

who is this strange creature
they whispered amongst themselves.
can he be trusted
is he friend or foe.

could they afford to give him the benefit of the doubt
when so many like him before
proved to be a dangerous omen.

or is he truly an ally
holding up the facade of a bastard
cruel and unrelenting
only to protect what was dear to him
so that he could finally walk out
a free man.

caboose of life;

such a turn
like flipping sides of a coin
so abrupt and without warning
so completely upside down.

hurtful but true words thrown
however badly it needed to be said
however badly it needed to be heard
with love as the catalyst.

but it still aches
a lump in the hollow of the throat
eyes pricking the back of eyelids
but never spilling over.

it's all about change
and a will to push forward
to pave a new pathway
instead of cowering in the caboose of life.

scared of change;

she is scared of new places
of new surroundings, new people
she is scared of change
maybe that is what is holding her back
keeping her from reaching her potential.

she clings to what is familiar
to every last speck of dust
knowing that if she leaves
she may never find her way back.

it is almost a nightmare
in the midst of a tormenting heaven.
how badly she wants to leave
but so terrified of the unknown beyond.

she prays so fervently for the strength
she wishes so desperately for the courage
to be able to break out of her shell
and let the light into her life.

lost;

lost
maybe it is time for a change
possibly a new beginning

should i embark on an adventure
and leave behind everything i know
to pursue a secret just for me?

maybe it is time to walk away
footsteps that will carry me to there
a place far from my home
where my future lies.

it was my birthday;

it was my birthday
may fourth nineteen eighty seven.
this year i turned twenty-three.
did you even think about me?
did i even cross your mind
even for just a second?

what did you do, i wonder
have you forgotten me.

i haven't forgotten you
but i don't care for you
not really
and i am entitled to do so.

you, on the other hand
do not have a choice.

in a cruel way
i want you to remember
to be pained at the knowledge
that you never got to see me grow up
because of your selfish choice.

in a cruel way
i want you to know that you died
a very long time ago
as your new persona was birthed
from the smoke from which you lit
possibly your first taste of the darkness.

i want you to know that you hurt me
beyond what my memories can recollect.

i want you to know that i hated you once
so very much.
that i wanted you dead
i wanted you deported
i wanted the blood that ran through my veins
to drip onto the dirt ground
where i felt it belonged.

but now, i do not hate you
but i do not love you either
and i still have not forgiven you.

i have, however, come to terms
and only recently.
that person who was once in my life
is dead.
that is how i see it as you are definitely
not who you used to be
not for seventeen years.

many may forget their past
the details of their early lives.
just a fuzzy haze.
but i remember quite a lot
in vivid detail
and even the sounds.

but i wish to only focus on memories that happened
before your 'death'
quotations as you are still very much alive
i assume.

memories from when happiness was abounding in my life
where love bursted from the seams of its container.
the memories after are still fond
but without you in them.

and although i try my hardest not to
i fantasize how things might have been
once upon a time in the future.

what kind of person would i have become
would i be the same
or would i be completely different
on a track of sex and drugs
not healthcare and education.

so maybe, i am to thank you for leaving
for no longer being in my life
because perhaps without you in it
i have become far better than i ever could have imagined.

so now maybe i have come to a decision
to shut the door on that one part of my past.
it is over now anyway, isn't it?

it's time to say goodbye
and hopefully for the very last time.

the dream, the everything;

the dream
the everything we worked for
the very essence of our soul

it is heartbreaking to see it crumble
to watch as the foundation begins to crack
like a mirror fatally dropped to the ground

it seems unfair that this said dream must meet demise
in the most cruel possible way

it is not the cause of one fault
but of many rolled into one
catastrophic tornado

and to rebuild this broken city
will take much longer than ever before
especially with a burdened heart

conscience;

conscience
that little voice in the back of your head
telling you what to do, guiding you
from right and wrong

what happens when it leaves you
when you are left to fend for yourself
when the world becomes silent

how long could you survive

uncivilized;

uncivilized, they said
like a ragged train wreck
an animal on the loose
most definitely inhuman.

where does such a vision
such ideology extend from?

"all animals are equal,
but some are more equal than others"

how scary the irony
of how it seems to be taken to heart
by closed-minded individuals
who believe it is their birthright
to be superior to others.

it is an asinine revelation.

guilty;

guilty, a feeling all too familiar
reverberating throughout the years
from childhood to adulthood
haunting me along every path.

i feel as if i am hitting my head
against a brick wall i cannot break down
forever to stand before me
blocking the exit to the new world.

running and running
but never-ending
and no where to hide.

how to overcome it
how to leave the past behind
how to go on forward.

haunting love;

can you not see that she remembers
the details are so crystal clear
the moving pictures so vivid
the memory so haunting.

love
what is that which we call love
affection?
infatuation?
obsession?

the beautiful heartbreak that was the outcome
from a world that held no joy
but only sadness and fear
from whom we trust.

what do they think
when the turn their heads away
from the multicolored bruises
that decorate pale skin.

why do they ignore
when we call out for help
why do they let it go.

pretty little bracelet;

pretty little bracelet
resting beautifully on a thin wrist
sparkling in the limelight
exactly where it should be.

but a little too small it became
a little too tight it hugged the skin
indentations imprinted
as if to mark its territory.

so a grip and a pull
to free oneself
like a bird in a gilded cage
but still a prisoner
no matter how pretty the shackles.

and then the final spring
a burst of beads flying
clattering to the marble ground
and running off in all directions
every harsh memory fading away.

no more is the wrist captive
no more can that beautiful disguise control
free, free, free
just as we always should have been.

free fall;

that endless plummeting downward
spiraling out of control
yet so focused and steady at the same
a journey that sees no end.

the blur of everything rushing by
a free fall with no direction and no purpose
but only existing for the sake
of existing
like everything else.